No more nancying about. This is the real thing, Elizabeth. This time, I’m sticking to these resolutions. I’m not going to cry, complain, whine, sleep, eat or feel. I’m going to achieve my objectives, stop standing in my own way, buck up, sack up, sit up, shut up and shape up. I’m going to conquer all foes and disembowel all personal demons. I’m not going into my 26th year a pasty, poor, unloved loser. I hereby resolve that by August of 2007, I will achieve the following goals in the following arenas:
– Write a novel;
– Obtain a role in a quality off- Broadway production;
– Become a regular and highly anticipated presence at comedic open-mic nights throughout Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens;
– Publish two (2) short stories in well known literary magazines;
– Have a regular readership of at least fifty (50) readers of this blog; and
– Become a household name.
– Have at least five (5) good, close friends and at least forty (40) acquaintances (mostly industry contacts);
– Have dated fourteen (14) people casually, and, following that, have involved myself in a serious relationship, which will last at least one (1) year and no longer than two (2) years;
– No longer be uncomfortable or shy when introduced to groups of strangers who all know each other; and
– Become close, personal friends with at least one (1) major celebrity (could be an actor, writer or politician, I’m not choosy).
– Become beloved and skilled enough server to regularly make $1600/month from working three (3) shifts per week; and
– Inherit a large fortune.
– Get weight down to 110 lbs.;
– Consume only lean protein, vegetables and (on rare occasions) fruit;
– Replace coffee and alcohol with green tea;
– Have visible muscle definition in my thighs and torso;
– Sleep eight (8) hours per night;
– Be able (and sometimes willing) to run ten (10) miles at a stretch; and
– Develop one (1) superpower, preferably flight or invisibility.
– Read fifteen (15) great works of literature (and publish intelligent critical essay of at least one (1));
– Inform myself fully on the following, currently fuzzy, topics: Vietnam (conflict and history), WWII, the World Bank (function and structure), the Balkans (conflict and history), major American presidents and their contributions, Kant, the UN (function and structure), indie music, Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Buddhism (Theravada v. Mahayana), the various branches of the US military, carpentry, sports, physics (string theory, etc.), the entire Middle East (conflict and history), the Bloomsbury group, Russian history, Abbie Hoffman, Cuba, Greek mythology, the human body, Freudian thought, silent film and the rules of poker;
– Be familiar with all current periodicals (both political, social and literary), including journals and newspapers;
– Have viewed all Oscar-nominated films for this past year, and all likely contenders for this next (and publish intelligent critical essay of at least one (1));
– Each month, take advantage of this great city in which I live by attending one (1) theatrical production, one (1) reading or lecture and three (3) inexpensive alternative music/poetry performances; visiting one (1) museum and two (2) galleries; and exploring two (2) new neighborhoods (and publish at least five (5) on-line essays about these experiences);
– Travel to one (1) other country, and to two (2) new states (and publish a travel essay about each trip); and
– Be quoted in Bartlett’s.
– Stop criticizing, deriding and otherwise hating and mistreating myself;
– Stop criticizing, deriding and otherwise hating and mistreating others;
– Stop compulsively eating, ruminating, obsessing, talking about myself in public, interrupting, procrastinating, hesitating, doubting and over-thinking;
– Stop giving any evidence of my own stupidity, uncoolness or weakness in any social situation ever;
– Stop fearing to appear stupid, uncool or weak in social situations;
– Decide to be happy, regardless of circumstances, and remain ever cheerful;
– Listen to even the most boring ramblings of others with genuine, rapt attention;
– Actively become a benevolent force for good;
– Stop having unrealistic expectations for myself; and
– Start living up to my potential.
– Volunteer at least once a week;
– Become politically active (in part by submitting and publishing intelligent op-eds in major periodicals);
– Donate ten percent (10%) of earnings to charity (well, after-tax); and
– Develop and implement a perfect economic system that combines powerful incentives with a reliable social safety net.
I guess that’s a good start. I have my work cut out for me now, so with all of this to do, there is clearly no time for lying about, feeling lazy and unmotivated and bored and just generally sorry for myself, is there? No. No time for watching Law & Order marathons, or sitting around my friends’ apartments, drinking and playing Taboo. If I want to achieve these goals by August (and achieve them I will), I have to start first thing…in the morning. Right now, though, I’m going to go get a cheese slice, some cookie dough, and a magnum of cheap shiraz, and then watch Caddyshack. Because, while I’ve seen parts of it 500 times, I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen the entire thing all the way through.