Statements That I’m Pretty Sure Would Result in Hasty Termination of a 30-Minute Dating Date

The key thing in 30-minute dating is to make an accurate and winning first impression. Such as:

• You’re a doctor? That’s cool. I’m a doodyhead. I’M A GREAT BIG OLE DOODYHEAD!

• In truth, I absolutely detest men. But then, I also hate women and can’t stand being alone with myself, so what are you gonna do?

• I want to be perfectly upfront about this: I have genital herpes. However, there are drugs that we can use that will prevent your ever getting it.

• I almost ended it all last weekend, but then I thought I should first be able to say I exhausted all possible options.

• Last night, I dreamt I was intimate with a puffin. Do you think that means anything?

• I’m going back to school to major in comparative literature.

• Whoa, you are seriously fat! I mean, I know I’m fat, but you are like, majorly, unbelievably, Gilbert-Grape-just-kill-yourself-now fat.

• Actually, I just came here with my friends to laugh at all the losers who’d really show up for 30-minute dating in good faith.