Diet Tips

Tried all the old favorites, but still obese? Here are some fresh, new tactics to try:

    • Keep a pair of dice in the kitchen. You only get to eat when you roll double sixes.

 

    • When you are suffering from hunger pains, you only want to eat because you know that that will eliminate the discomfort. Pretend you don’t know this. Pretend you think those pains will be eliminated by punching the shit out of everyone around you, who have all suddenly become unbearably irritating.

 

    • If you are about to eat something, make yourself throw it on the floor instead. Then, smash it up with your feet. Then, roll around in it, declaring, ‘This is what you deserve, fatty-fatty-McFatass!’ It is especially important to do this in restaurants, where the portion sizes are massive enough to really get a good paste going.

 

    • Look at photos of Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, Kirsten Dunst, and other rich and famous anorexics. Think about how hard you work and how little you make. Between the vomiting and the weeping, you’ll found it difficult to eat.

 

    • Plant, grow, harvest and slaughter all your own food. It’s good for the environment, and you’ll find it easy to keep slim on a diet of worms and dandelion greens.

 

    • For every bite you eat, make yourself burn a dollar.

 

    • Get a digital voice recorder and have your family, friends, ex-boyfriends or -girlfriends, coworkers, neighbors, children, rivals and acquaintances speak into it about what a giant, fat pig you are, and how they secretly cringe in disgust whenever you display physical affection for them. Listen to this testimony all day on a loop.

 

    • Whenever you are about to eat something, run outside and give it to a homeless person instead. Once he has touched it, it will be too disgusting to eat, and you can just throw it away.

 

    • Only eat while jogging.

 

    • Only eat while on the toilet.

 

    • Only eat while jabbing pins into your arm.

 

  • If all else fails, consider radical measures, such as surgically removing your stomach, stapling your mouth shut, or killing yourself.

2 Comments

  1. Mary Jane

    Funny funny girl 😉

    Like

Bits welcome:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s