Here are some things that, in the past week, provoked a big, loud, involuntary guffaw, followed by the immediate realization that my laughter may have been inappropriate:
- A girl sitting near me in the park sobbed into her phone, ‘I mean, at this point, I’m the same as someone who didn’t work at all in school, and just got C’s, and barely passed!’
- A guy at work said, in a conversation I was not a part of (and in all seriousness), ‘Ever since I had my colon entirely removed, I’ve noticed my complexion has really cleared up.’
- At work, a Hispanic nanny ran wearily around after a bunch of horrid children. She had clearly been instructed not to stop the little brats from running crazily around the restaurant, but rather just to follow them as they did so.
- I dripped juice on the back of this old man’s suit jacket and he said, ‘Oh, whatever,’ at the same time as his wife said, ‘Oh my GAAAWWWDDD, your SUIT!!!’
- A guy was pompously ordering for his meek, little girlfriend, when she loudly declared, ‘No. That’s not what I want!’ There was an awkward pause, and then the guy, looking totally embarrassed, said, ‘Okay. Well, then you just tell her what you want.’
- A bunch of Greenpeace activists asked people, ‘Do you care about the environment?’ And nearly everyone said, ‘Not right now.’
- A woman stopped me as I was going out jogging. ‘The air in this neighborhood is so thick with nicotine!’ she told me. ‘I cannot figure out where the authorities are to have something done! And nobody cares, because I do not speak the English well, but I have to close the windows, the nicotine pollution, it is so thick! And I am lose my hearing – I am lose my hearing from the nicotine!’
- In contrast to the usual lewd hoots and hollers, this one gross, would-be catcaller said, as I walked by, ‘Mmm. You not as hot as you think you are.’
- As I struggled down the aisle at work with a heavy rack of glassware, an older woman asked me, ‘Where’s the bathroom in here again?’
‘Back right corner, back right corner!’ I snapped, afraid I’d drop the glassware.
‘That was Angela Lansberry,’ whispered a coworker, as she got out of my way.
- The guy at the deli down the street asked me, as he rang up my purchases, ‘Are Cheetos and Diet Coke the way to be beautiful like you?’
- The homeless woman who comes by the cafe a dozen times a day asked my coworker for some water.
‘No, I’m sorry, we’re closing down out here,’ he said.
‘Okay,’ she said, going into the server station and pouring herself some water.
‘Don’t drink that,’ he said. ‘I said we’re closing.’
‘Just a little water,’ she said. ‘And some bread.’
‘Don’t get into that bread!’
‘Thank you, honey,’ she said, helping herself to some bread. ‘I be back tomorrow.’
The Cheetos and Diet Coke line is my new myspace headline.
I probably shouldn’t have laughed either, but I did. Thanks.