I am currently accepting unsolicited submissions for casual first dates. If you wish your application to be successful, here are a few guidelines that, if followed, may increase your chances of acceptance:
- It would be wise to hold off on submitting until you have familiarized yourself with what I’m all about. I am easily researched on-line, and at the very least, applicants should read a couple posts on my blog. Why would you want to date someone you’ve never read?
- Submissions should be brief and to the point. Vulgarity is only acceptable if it is relevant, creative and not obnoxiously aggressive. No racist, sexist or otherwise hateful sentiment, please. I am not currently looking for dates with religious or political themes, dates that are chiefly informative in nature, or dates that are presented as comedy but are actually endless, whiny rants. In general, I appreciate originality and honesty. Send your clichés and homages elsewhere, please: while we all have our influences, I want to hear your voice. On a more technical note, those dates most likely to be accepted will display a good deal of forethought, a clear through-line and a definite ending point.
- While I pride myself on accepting dates from applicants who are a little rough around the edges, I do not have the time or energy for utter beginners. Please have some vague idea of what you’re doing before submitting.
- First-time applicants receive no remuneration for their date. In fact, you will be expected to pay. Should I desire to see more of your work, alternate financial arrangements may be negotiated as our relationship develops.
- First-time applicants should contact me only through the above email address. If you send a letter in the mail, it will only confuse me. Unless I have personally (and soberly) provided you with my phone number, you should not have it. DO NOT show up at my home, my office, or at any of the various places I am known to hang out. Failure to observe these guidelines will result in an immediate rejection of your proposed date.
- Simultaneous submissions are acceptable, as long as you’re not a total whore. Just please do me the courtesy of keeping me informed.
- I try very hard to respond personally to all applicants, but sometimes I just cannot handle the awkwardness. If you do not hear from me, please do not feel discouraged, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RESUBMIT.
Excellent! Funny piece.