1. How often do you check MySpace?
(a) Once a year.
(d) With each pulse.
2. Reason you are taking this quiz:
(a) I am a fourteen-year-old girl.
(b) I am desperately lonely and hope that someone out there is actually reading my answers to all of these interminable quizzes and finding me intriguing.
(c) I work a desk job.
(d) I have short-term memory loss, so each of these quizzes that I receive seems fresh and whimsical to m–WHERE AM I???????
3. What is your job?
(a) I am on unemployment.
(b) I am on workers’ comp.
(c) I worked last year.
(d) My father worked enough for six generations.
(e) I work two full-time jobs for minimum wage, and only have time to answer this question, because I am at the public library on my smoke break trying to do a bit of research, and I am only allowed 30 minutes per session: does anyone know when the next presidential election is?
4. What is your political affiliation?
(a) I am against liberals.
(b) I am against conservatives.
(c) I am an uninformed centrist.
(d) I am changing the subject.
5. What is your religion?
(a) I believe that God exists, but that he hates us. Especially me.
(b) I believe in what I believe to be Zen Buddhist tenets.
(c) I believe in bottling water and endowing it with various emotions. (Mock all you want – I have more friends than you do.)
(d) I believe in my superiority to people with beliefs.
(e) I am a Southern Baptist. (Mock all you want – I have more friends than you do.)
6. What do you most desire in life?
(d) Money. To buy fame with.
7. Where do you live?
(a) Urban, aspiring to suburban.
(b) Suburban, aspiring to urban.
8. How would you gauge your self-esteem?
(a) I’m taking this quiz, aren’t I?
(b) I’d like to take this opportunity to issue a blanket apology for my existence.
(c) I’m currently replicating myself ad nauseam in various artworks.
(d) I’m a middle child.
9. Do you consider yourself attractive?
(a) No, but I’m constantly working on it. This week: soul patch!
(b) I have accepted my personal shortcomings, and purchased a bride from Southeast Asia.
(c) Everyone is constantly telling me how attractive I am, and consequently, I am hated by all.
(d)I go out of my way to put others off.This week:loud, theatrical horking!
10. What is your greatest fear?
(b) Dying alone.
(c) Public humiliation.
(e) Getting the runs when I’m at my boyfriend’s apartment.
11. Pepsi or Coke?
(d)I am opposed to large corporations, junk food, and humor.
12. What is your relationship status?
(a) I am single, and freaking out about it.
(b) I am married, and freaking out about it.
(c) I have given up.
(d) I am currently shopping for one on-line.
(e) I have recently switched my sexual orientation, and am hella excited about it.
13. Do you like your life?
(a) Does a monk like to flog himself?
(b) Only when I’m eating.
(c) I liked it last year.
(d) Only when I’m high.
(e) Not especially, but if you try to take it, I’ll put five rounds in your face.
14. Where were you five years ago?
(a) In this chair.
(b) In junior high school.
(c) In the pokey.
(d) Not where I believed myself to be at the time.
(e) At a Slipknot concert.
15. Where do you see yourself in five more years?
(a) In this chair.
(b) At Clemson.
(c) Driving my hovercraft.
(d) Looking back in anger.
(e) Taking advantage of our new universal health care system, provided I can just hang on till then.
16. What is your fondest childhood memory?
(a) Watching X-Men.
(b) Watching Jen and the Holograms.
(c) Watching Chip ‘N Dale, Rescue Rangers.
(d)Watching my daddy drive away.
17. What’s the first thing you think when you get up in the morning?
(a) I’ll just snooze for seven more hours.
(b) Who is that?
(c) Time for a cocktail!
(d) I practice polyphasic sleep, so the question should really be, ‘What’s the first thing you think when you get up every three hours?’ And the answer is, ‘I’m hallucinating from exhaustion.’
18. What’s your proudest moment?
(a) The time I donated fifty bucks to the Red Cross after Katrina, and then found a fifty-dollar bill on the subway.
(b) The time I was chosen to appear on What Not to Wear.
(c) The time I straight up told my ma what I really think of her.
(d)The day I finished my nanowrimo novel.
19. What’s your favorite holiday?
(a) National Talk Like a Pirate Day.
(b) My divorcery.
20. When was the last time you cried?
(a) When I saw Wedding Crashers.
(b) When I came to and realized I’d thrown up all the pills.
(d) I’m crying now.