A Literary Correspondence

Dear Rick,

How are things at school? Your mom tells me you’ve decided to major in literature, and I think that’s fine. I used to be a great reader, but as I got older and had children, I just got too busy. I suppose I have plenty of time to read now, though – I don’t know why I don’t! If you read anything good, tell me. I’ll read it.

Love,
Grandma  

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Dear Rick,

I took your suggestion, and read Slaughterhouse Five. I always meant to read something by Vonnegut, as he was so popular, but I must admit, I did not enjoy this one. Perhaps I misread it, but is this book meant to be funny? Let me tell you, I lived through that war, and there was nothing funny about it. Maybe suggest something lighter next time!

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

Thank you for sending me The Corrections. I thought it was interesting. I felt terribly sorry for those people, all being so horrible all the time. Aren’t you lucky that you come from a family where everyone isn’t nasty to each other?

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

I do not appreciate your mailing me a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul. I get it, young man, but just because I don’t love everything you do does not mean I am only interested in pabulum. I used to adore Steinbeck, and in one of his books, a lady throws her baby right into the river, and then she breastfeeds a homeless man.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

Did this Middlesex really win the Pulitzer? I declare, write something really filthy, and everyone calls it art.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

I very much enjoyed American Pastoral. Tell you what, though, if I’d been the Swede, I’d have hogtied that girl and taken her to a hut in the woods, and there we would have stayed until she saw reason. But men always let their daughters get away with murder.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

Thanks for sending me The Color Purple, but sadly, I’ve seen the movie, so I already know how this one ends.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

I do not agree when you say that plots are not so important. You know who says that? Authors who cannot come up with good plots. And thus, I did not enjoy To the Lighthouse. I like novels. This book is a very long, dull poem.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

John Irving? You’re smarter than that, Rick.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

I appreciate your paying for the postage to send me Infinite Jest, but I’m retired and even I do not have time to read a 1000-page novel, much less one that I can’t make heads nor tails of. Are you really reading these things? If so, I must conclude that you’re neglecting the rest of your coursework.

Love,
Grandma

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Dear Rick,

I take back what I said about the long books. I burned through Anna Karenina in what felt like no time. What a great read! That Anna sure got what was coming to her, don’t you think?

Love,
Grandma