Post-Its in the Break Room

Attention:

To whomever left the chocolates in here, the treats have obviously melted and then re-congealed. They are no good.

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Attention:

To whoever left the above note, I brought the chocolates in as a nice gesture. I can’t believe you would actually leave a passive-aggressive, unsigned note complaining about free chocolates. If you don’t like them, don’t eat them.

Signed, Emily.  

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Emily:

Please, your “gesture” was a lousy, half-assed one. You knew they’d melted and were no good, so why did you set them out for other people to sample and be disgusted by? Do you seriously expect praise for this?

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Wow, anonymous, you’re a real ingrate. Thanks for the chocolates, Emily!

Signed, Bess.

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I agree with Bess – an ingrate and a coward.

Signed, Libby.

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Bess and Libby:

It’s easy to sign your name when you know your Post-Its will be applauded. I suppose I’m the villain here. But honestly, I got very, very excited to see chocolates. I’d had a horrible day, and the sight of the chocolates lifted my spirits considerably. Only to experience utter revulsion upon tasting the chalky bitterness of spoiled treats. Why does every potentially promising thing turn out in the end to be disappointing shit? Thanks for providing a metaphor for one of life’s cruelest lessons, Emily.

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Ladies:

Shut up.

Signed, Richard.

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Richard:

I’m offended that you assume anonymous is a woman. From the pretentious language and obsession with food, I myself would assume that this person is a man.

-Emily

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Emily:

Only women care about chocolate. Or leave stupid Post-Its.

-Richard

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Richard:

What? You’re such a moron.

-Bess

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Agreed

-Libby

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Look, I’ll never bring in chocolates again, melted or otherwise. I promise.

-Emily

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I am diabetic, so I didn’t appreciate the chocolates anyway. In fact, I can’t eat half the things that people bring in and leave around the break room for free. I sort of resent the fact that no one ever thinks of those of us who can’t eat sugar (several people in the office), but I would never leave a stupid note about it.

-Brian

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Brian:

You just left a stupid note.

-Emily

—

Brian:

Leave the ladies to their cat fight. You and I have better things to be doing.

-Richard

—

All I’m saying is, if life is indeed a desperate wasteland, I’d rather just face that fact honestly and learn to live with it than to try to placate myself with crappy chocolates. If there is to be no exceptional chocolate, let there be no chocolate at all.

—

I just said, there’ll be no more chocolate.

-Emily

—

Attn to all:

I have brought in the cookie. My daughter buy too many. Help for yourself, from Rita.

—

You’re really opening yourself up to an onslaught, Rita. Learn from my mistakes.

-Emily

—

Wow, Rita, these cookies are delicious. Not like some shitty chocolates I know of. Thanks!

—

Once again, I am unable to share in this bounty.

-Brian

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Thanks for the cookies, Rita. Brian, I left half a veggie-burger for you in the bottom of the trashcan. You’re welcome.

-Richard.

—

Everyone:

If you’d spend half the time it takes you to leave these Post-Its on washing out your coffee mugs, I might actually get home in time to play with my kids sometimes.

-Housekeeping

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Housekeeping:

Sorry, this bulletin board is for valued employees only. So are the cookies. Slip up again, and you’re fired.

-Richard

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Richard, you are such a dick.

-Emily

—

I never realized you guys were so much fun! Lets all go out for drinks this weekend.

-Bess

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I’m in!

-Libby

—

Well, Libby and I want you all to know, you missed a great time on Friday. Your loss.

-Bess

—

I’m sooooooo hungry.

-Brian