Girls, we know how it is: you’re not too choosy. You’re friendly, pretty, open and communicative. And you’re single. So, why are you sitting home on a Saturday night?
Ladies, how many times a week do you find yourself wailing, ‘I just never meet any available men!’ How many times have you gone to what you expected to be a raging party only to find yourself playing Jenga with six lesbians and an eunuch? How often have you spent all night dancing sexily at a bar, only to wake up the next morning with a black eye, and a homeless person in your bathtub? How many times have you gone to a singles’ event, only to end up drinking homebrew in the janitor’s closet of a deserted high school with a mangy cat and two 14-year-olds on their first date?
Where are all the fellas hiding?!
We know where, and we’re going to tell you! Following are ten, surefire ways to meet single men. So strap on your party shoes and keep your chin up, hot stuff! Your dance card will soon be overflowing:
1. Take a class! While your fellow classmates are certain to be overwhelmingly female or married (what single guy would spend his free hours learning Spanish or auto repair?), you might very well meet a nice guy in the bursar’s office when you go to sign up.
2. Get a new job! Weekly! No one eligible where you work? There are thousands of jobs. Keep those resumes circulating till you find yourself next-cubicle to a cutie!
3. Travel! There might be men in other cities. Who knows?
4. Get hit by a car! Between the bystanders, the paramedics, the nurses, the radiologist, the er doctors and the cops who have to fill out the report, any ambulance and hospital visit combo is sure to expose you to at least one single man. If you’re really lucky, you might even require a separate visit for follow-up surgery.
5. Take out a personals billboard! Dating sites are overloaded. On Match.com, your video has a thousand other videos to compete with, but do you see any other single woman’s face looming over I-40?
6. Volunteer! You can bet if there are any nice, single guys volunteering, they’re every bit as lonely as you.
7. Sign up for an athletic team! Nothing makes a guy want to ask you out like you being the Achilles heel of his otherwise perfect weekend baseball team.
8. Spy on strangers and manipulate them into running through elaborate, whimsical scavenger hunts, while you hover anonymously in the background wearing a black domino, but chewing your lip adorably to show that you’re not really a creepy stalker! It worked for Amelie.
9. Be a damsel in distress! For example, next time you’re at the Laundromat, climb into a drier, close the door behind you, and scream and bang on the glass. If a woman or an ugly man rescues you, just thank them, wait for them to go away, and try, try again.
10. Start a fire in your apartment! The firemen will come right to you. Plus, you’ll finally get to meet the neighbors.
So, there you go, ladies. If you have tried all these things and are still single, you’re probably hideous to look at and unbearable to converse with, because these babies are foolproof! What are you waiting for?