Today, I was sig. I feld so badly, I couldn’t stand id. I wog ub ad ten, ad I called into work. Then, I pud on by jacked and went to the corner store. I bod sub ice creab and sub beer. On by way home, I saw a hobless ban who I usually buy a StreedWise frob, bud I was too sig to deal with him. Why do people expecd so much frub be, all the tibe? I worg so hard, and I can’t be everybody’s hero. I tode hib I was sig and to fug off. When I god hobe, I feld so lonely and bad. By roobate was in bed studying her law boogs. I knogged on her door and she said to cub in, so I clibed into bed with her and pushed by head on her shoulder.
‘I’b sig,’ I said, miserably. ‘I’b so sig. I feel so bad. Pet be. Peeettt beeee.’
By roobate is a bitch; her resbonse was violent and rude. I was deposited in by own bed, and so I lay there, rubbing by feed along the walls and keenig, and longing for sympathy.
Finally, I pigged ub by cell phone, and I called by Bobby. She was at worg, at her office.
‘Bobby,’ I said. ‘I’b sig. I’b siiiiggg.’
‘Well, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I can’t talk right now, though. Feel better baby.’
Bitch hug up on be. I went back to by roobate, but she had gone. I snuffled sadly into her pillow, and then I realized I was hungry. I went into the kitchen, bud there was nothing but sub Diet Coge that by roommate had. I drang sub oud of the bottle, and then I called to order a bizza.
While I waded for it – albost ad entire hour! – I sad id the tub ad cried. When da doorbell rang, I went downstairs and toog by bizza. The bizzaman said id was $20, bud I didn’t have any bore money after da corder store. I tode hib I’d go upsdairs and ged id, then I logged da door. Most dimes, I wud feel bad, bud I was sig! I laid id by roobate’s bed, eating bizza and drigging Diet Coge.
Sood, I was full, bud sad ad lonely. And sig. So, I called by frid, Dabid.
‘Dabid,’ I said. ‘I’b sig. You should cub over.’
‘Well,’ he said. ‘I’m kind of busy right now. I’ve got a term paper due tomorrow.’
‘Bud I’b sig, and I’b bored, and I feel so bad, and I bight cry.’
‘All right,’ he said.
I god into bed and fell asleeb, and when Dabid god ober, he rung the bell for a long tibe before I heard hib, so he was bad when he cabe in.
‘I’b sig,’ I said, gedding into bed. ‘Ged id bed and hode be.’
‘I don’t want to get sick,’ he said.
‘Dabid! Nobody loves be and I bight just die,’ I said, and I starded to cry. Dabid god indo bed and held be.
‘Dell be a story,’ I said.
‘The other day,’ said Dabid. ‘I was going to an–‘
‘Oh, I’b so sig!’ I said. ‘I’b so sig, and nobody loves me.’
‘Listen to my story,’ said Dabid. ‘I was saying something.’
I was too sig to pud ub with by friends’ needidess – dey always want subthig, bud as sood as I need theb, they have to go to a funeral, or they have a senior recidal or subthig. So I toog by self-defense weapod and I killed Dabid. He was doo selfish in by hour ob need.
I was too sig to clead ub the bess, so I called the cobs ad dey cabe over in ad hour or so.
‘Oh,’ I cried. ‘Clead ub by bed, I’b so sig, I can’t stand it.’
Dey tode be I wud have to go with them to the stadion, bud I was so sig! I hurted so buch! I tode dem to spood sub yogurd into by bouth.
‘Please,’ I whimbered. ‘Pud sub yogurd id by bouth. I’b so hugry and sig. Ad everybody exbects so buch of be. They all exbect be to be such a big girl, ad do everything for everybody, bud I ged so tired and nobody loves be, and I want to go hobe and curl ub wid by Bobby.’
The obbicer udderstood that and said he feld like that a lod. He said I was udder susbicion for a burder, bud if I was sig, it could wait a cubble of days. So, dey left with Dabid. I slebt in by roobate’s bed because of the bess. When she god hobe, she threw a fid, bud I swear, I bucking cand carry the world od by bag. I’b sig ad I need to sleeb.