I’d like to thank you all for coming out to my show tonight. It shows a great deal of faith and loyalty on your behalf, considering some of the previous shows I’ve asked you all to attend. But I’ve grown since then, as a person and as a performer, and I promise that your trust will not prove misplaced.
Brad, I see that you’ve come out tonight, and I’d like to thank you for that. It was big of you, considering that I left you just two weeks ago, because I thought I was in love with your brother. And yet here you are to support me. You’re the bigger man, Brad. If it makes you feel any better, things didn’t work out with me and Andrew. Turns out, it was more lust than love: we had a hell of a long weekend, and have now gone our separate ways. But don’t get excited – I still don’t want to get back together with you.
Debbie, thank you for coming. I really appreciate your showing up here. I know things are a little tense around the apartment right now, but I’m hoping that once I find a subletter to take over my half of the lease, we can be friends again. We just don’t live well together, that’s all. Have you been home today yet? Oh. Some of your stuff might be in the yard. I got a little angry today when I saw that you still hadn’t washed that casserole dish from last week. But I’ll tell you what – you came to my show, so if any of your property was damaged on its way down from the balcony, I’ll reimburse you.
Angela, welcome. I’m so glad you came out tonight. I know you’ve been a little angry with me, since Brad told you that I said I have no idea how you manage to be both a schizoid eccentric and a crashing bore. My remark was taken out of context. Did he also tell you that I really admire the hell out of you for making the most of what you have to work with? Because I do. Also, if you were anyone but you, you’d appreciate what an accurate and colorful description of you that was. I do use it later on in the show, so just brace yourself.
Mr. Farsco, thank you so much for coming out to my show! What a pleasant surprise. I miss being your employee. I really do. And if it weren’t for the unemployment, I would never have had the time to write tonight’s piece. So, I guess everything turned out for the best. And again, in my own defense, the guys who work in the kitchen piss in the soup on a regular basis – I was merely attempting to fit in with them. I’m not blaming them, or trying to get them into trouble. I was caught and they were not (for anatomical reasons, I was the more conspicuous), so more power to them. I’m just saying, there was a precedent, and so I didn’t think it would be such a huge issue.
Is that Ben Tabler? Holy crap, I haven’t seen you since your dog died. While I was watching him for you. (I mean, seriously, folks, who but me could have had something like that happen to them?!) It was really nice of you not to hold that against me, Ben. For some reason, I really thought dogs could safely ingest anything, which was why I indulged Muffin’s yen for antifreeze. Anyway, thanks for coming to the show.
My parents are here, all the way from Florida, which is amazing. Considering the vast sums of money that I have neglected to repay, and the ongoing lawsuit over my appropriation of their images in my last show…I’m not allowed to discuss that publicly, obviously, but suffice it to say, one man’s desecration is another man’s tribute. At any rate, Mom and Dad, no matter how estranged, we are still biologically family (and the same goes for any child of mine that may or may not be born from the egg I was forced to sell when you guys cut me off), and it means a lot to me that you are here tonight.
Oh, goodness, Jess McDoughty! This is my Little Sister, everybody! I got really depressed one weekend, and signed up for this volunteer program, and I took Jess here bowling, isn’t that right, Jess? What ever happened with that? I guess I never told you I wouldn’t be back. See, thing is, Jess, that program makes you sign on for a one-year commitment and they’re really emphatic about it, so I felt awkward about telling them I’d finally gotten in a play and didn’t have the time (or existential need) to be a Big Sister anymore. But good to see you here…how’d you ever find me? Let’s just consider this activity number two!
As usual, Mrs. Tess is here, guys. I want you all to give her a big shout-out. She was my fifth-grade theatre teacher and she has come to every show I’ve ever done over the years. I know she likes to think of me as her daughter since her husband died before she could have any kids of her own. Some sad, old widows pour their love out on cats, but Mrs. Tess pours hers out on ex-students (although she does also have cats). And I think that’s adorable. Let’s hear it for Mrs. Tess, my biggest fan!
Well, I guess I can’t stand here doting on my audience forever, can I? You folks came to see a show, so I’d better get this thing started up. One last time, thank you all for coming. Everything I do is for you, my friends and family: if it wasn’t for you guys, I’d have no audience at all. Please stick around after the show and have a drink with me.