Various Nightly Conversations at My Restaurant Job That Disprove the Following Stephen Hawking Quote:

Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking. It doesn’t have to be like this. Our greatest hopes could become reality in the future. . . . All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.


Manager: Okay, guys, we need to talk about what went wrong last night, because clearly something did, and I know you guys work hard, and I want to hear from you suggestions of what the problem is and ways we can fix it- 

Server #1: –Well, I think what happened was-

Manager: –Because it’s all about communication here, and you know, guys, I can tell you and tell you and tell you, but at the end of the day it’s about communication and communication is a two way street-

Server #2: –the problem was that the kitchen didn’t-

Manager: –And let me know these things, because I’m not going to yell at you, I know you work hard, and we all have the same goals here, so I just need suggestions, because if you suggest something, I will implement that suggestion, okay, guys, because nothing is written in stone-

Server #3: –I think what would fix the problem-

Manager: –Okay, guys, right now, though, we need to get these napkins folded, and get on the floor because we’ve got a 6:00 curtain at the Met, and they’re piling up in the door, okay? On the floor, guys. Now.


Server #1: Where’s the ticket for table 57?

Sous chef: What table?

Server #1: 57. Table 57!! I fired their food twenty-five minutes ago, where is it?

Sous chef: I don’t see no ticket. Did you ring it in?

Server #1: Of course I rang it in! Did you lose the ticket?

Sous chef: I don’t see it. You should always check your tickets.

Server #1: Oh, my sweet Christ. You lost the damn ticket. Oh, shit, they had a steak mid-well and a lasagna! They’ve been waiting thirty minutes, this is a disaster!

Sous chef: If I don’t have no ticket, I don’t know I’m supposed to do anything.

Server #1: You lost the ticket!

Sous chef: You should always check.

Server #1: I should always check to make sure you haven’t lost the ticket?

Sous chef: Sure.

Server #1: Oh, fuck you, man!

Sous chef: I’ll help you out this time, but next time, you should check the ticket.

Server #1: What do you mean, help me out? It was your mistake!

Sous chef: Your mistake.

Server #1: Your mistake!

Sous chef: You!

Server #1: You!


Customer: Could you do the stuffed salmon with no spinach in the stuffing?

Server #3: No, I’m sorry, the salmon stuffing is pre-made. You can have a plain grilled salmon filet.

Customer: But I’d like the scallops, just not the spinach. Could you just stuff the salmon with scallops?

Server #3: No.

Customer: Why not?

Server #3: Because we don’t have a stuffing with only scallops.

Customer: Could you take some plain scallops and put them in the salmon?

Server #3: No. We could do a plain grilled salmon with a side of scallops from the antipasti bar, how about that?

Customer: Hmmm. I really, I tell you what I’d love is a salmon stuffed with like a scallop and cornbread stuffing. Could you do anything like that?

Server #3: No.

Customer: Could you ask the chef?

Server #3: He’ll say no. We can’t do that, I’m sorry. Because, you see, the stuffing, it comes with spinach and scallops. We can’t create a new stuffing and stuff a salmon with it, especially not pre-theatre.

Customer: It’s just, I’m allergic to spinach. Allergic.

Server #3: So get the plain grilled salmon, side of scallops. I think you’ll love it!

Customer: It’s just, I’d so love it to be stuffed inside the salmon, you know? Maybe if you talk to the chef.

Server #3: Tell you what, I’m going to give you a minute to think about it, while I go take orders for these nine other tables I just got.

Customer: Well, hang on, hang on, we’re ready to order. So, could I have the stuffed salmon, only without the spinach?

Server #3: No!


Coffee guy: Eh! Eh!

Server #1: Sorry, Miguel, I know you don’t like me in your station, but I don’t have time to explain to you-

Coffee guy: -eh, eh, eh! What? What?

Server #1: –what I need, and so I’m just going to – out of my way, man! I’m just going to grab it myself real fast-

Coffee guy: What you want? What you want? Eh! EH!

Server #1: One minute, uno momento, I will be out of your way, muy hurry, hurry, no tiempo-

Coffee guy: Eh?

Server #1: Just need to grab a cup here, and some milk, milk, uh, leche-

Coffee guy: Cago en tu leche.

Server #1: Very good, bueno, gracias. You’re my main man, Miguel!


  1. dulany says:

    F-ing HILARIOUS! I have had that manager and waited on that stuffed salmon person at some point along the humbling journey of waiting tables. Very real, good job.


  2. Murray Garon says:

    Hello,thanks you for this wonderful blogg, i really find many interesting things on it and i really loved the design of the blogg. I found it on yahoo. I also want to wish you a happy new year.


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