For Halloween: Dreadful Funeral Speeches

Sam always wanted to help others. Who could have guessed that today he’d be dead?

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One thing about Angela – she always showed up to every event looking like a million bucks. Today, however, she looks like a corpse. 

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Darrell was never one to do things halfway, so I’m pretty sure he’s not coming back.

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If there is a heaven, I’m sure that Becky is there now. But we’re not children, and we know there is no such place.

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I always thought one day Tom and I would get together. But now we probably won’t.

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I’ve adopted Debbie’s little poodle, Merrybell. For the past two days, Merrybell just ran around the house, looking everywhere for Debbie, and whimpering. It’s so cute – dogs don’t understand about death.

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During our joyful celebration of Alan’s passing, we should pause to consider his wife and children. Even horrible people have families.

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Bryce died as he lived: penniless and screaming.

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It seems like just the other day we were all beautiful, young high school seniors, with all our hopes and dreams ahead of us. But now, we’re college freshmen, and one of us is dead.

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Lily always said her children would be the death of her. Turns out, it was cancer.

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I never thought I would outlive Rebecca. Today, I take pride in exceeding my own expectations.

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Josh and Abigail were troubled young people in love, and in committing double suicide, they were clearly crying out for our attention. So let’s not reward them with it now.

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In death, there is forgiveness. Of numerous small loans that Bill will never now repay.