An Incestuous Improv Group Has an Overly Revealing Show

Mary: Good morning, Doctor Foster. I see we have an appendectomy today.

Bill: Ah, yes, Doctor Morris. I see we do. So good to be working with you again.

Mary: Yes, I miss working with you. You have not been around the E.R. in quite some time.

Bill: Well, can you blame me, Doctor Morris? I feel like a damn fool in this E.R.

Mary: I’m sorry about that, Doctor Foster. I never meant to make you feel like a fool. Sometimes things just happen.  

Bill: That’s bullshit. You knew what you were doing, Doctor Morris.

Ron (walks on): Doctors-

Bill: –Oh, hello, McCleary, Stupid Irish Janitor with a Lisp and a Disorder That Causes Your Limbs to Move Spastically. Did you come to sing My Dingaling while doing an interpretive ballet?

Ron: (jerking his limbs spastically) Oh, ta, ta, ta, ta, a ‘course, laddy. But first, if hoi might be so blunt, hoi just wanted ta say dat Doctor Morris is a right good lassy who nivver meant to hurt anybody, and anything that mite or mite not a happened that Froiday was all a-my doin’, and she-

(Sweep edit)

Bryce: Robinson, get in here.

Sam: Yes, Mr. Peterman?

Bryce: Robinson, I’m going to need you to work Saturday.

Sam: I’d rather not, Mr. Peterman. It’s my wife’s birthday, and I promised to take her to-

Bryce: –Well, isn’t that just like you, Robinson. You always have something better to be doing. I wish that you were half as committed to this office as you are to everything else in your life.

Sam: Sorry, Mr. Peterman. I realize that this office is very important to you, but frankly, this office is just not the biggest priority in my career right now. I have other…offices…that pay better and will lead to bigger and better jobs, and-

Bryce: And we’re all happy for you, Robinson. But maybe this office would be more successful if the people in it were more committed to making it the best possible office-

Sam: –You know, I think the people in this office would enjoy being in the office more if you would just relax a little and realize that it’s just a silly office after all, and not the freaking pinnacle of New York theatre-

(Sweep edit)

Kelly: So, Danny, do you have a date for the prom yet?

David: Yes.

Kelly: Oh. Because I don’t. And I was wondering-

David: –No. I’m not going to go to the dance with you, or anywhere else, Candace. I’m really not interested in you in that way. I just want to be friends. I’ve been telling you in a thousand different ways, but you just don’t seem to get it. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m not interested in you in that way, okay?

Kelly: Uh…I don’t…um…

(Sweep edit)

Bryce: Alright, everybody, I will start off the meeting as usual. My name is Bo, and I’m an alcoholic. Let’s all welcome our newest member, Veronica. Veronica?

Mary: Uh…my name’s Veronica, and I’m an alcoholic.

(All applaud enthusiastically.)

All: Yes, yes you are!

Bill: See, was that so hard to admit?

David: I’m very proud of you, Veronica.

Sam: Admitting it is the first step.

Mary: You guys are dicks. I hate this group.

(Sweep edit)

Ron: Excuse me, sir. Could you tell my wife and I how to get to the Louvre?

Bill: Well, I wouldn’t know, because I’m not a shameless womanizer.

Sam (walking on): Welcome to the Louvre!

Bryce (walking on, to Sam): Excuse me, sir, I couldn’t help but notice you’re better than everyone else here. Would you like to star in a movie?

Mary (to Bryce): Excuse me, sir, but I couldn’t help but notice that you’re a bossy fascist. Would you mind getting off everyone’s backs?

Bryce: Why certainly, drunken whore. I’ll try to correct that.

Bill: Pardon me, sir, but if you ever talk to my girlfriend like that again, I’ll punch you right in the face, you arrogant prick.

Bryce: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize she was your girlfriend. I thought she was this guy’s wife – but maybe I just thought that because they’re clearly sleeping together.

(Bill punches Bryce. David runs on, and grabs Bill.)

David: Whoa there, sir. Let’s all calm down.

Kelly (walking on, to David): Excuse me, sir, but some people feel things. Some people are passionate. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, you heartless ass, but some people actually have feelings!

(Kelly bursts into tears.)

Ron: Oh, come on. Don’t cry, ma’am.

(Ron hugs Kelly.)

Bill: Oh, there you go, ma’am. I’m sure that fellow will sleep with you. He’s certainly sleeping with everyone else in London.

Bryce (holding his bleeding nose): We’re in France, guys. We’re in France! Can everybody just try to listen? We’re never going to be a house team!

(Blackout.)