Old Wives’ Tales Every Bit as Accurate as Those People Actually Do Believe

If you swallow gum, your hair will grow back darker.

Blondes frequently go outside with wet hair, which is why they’ll all be extinct in 10 years.  

Never go swimming an hour after menstruating – you will get cramps and drown.

If you suspend a wedding band on a string and dangle it over a pregnant woman’s abdomen, you can predict whether or not the baby will be born a homosexual.

Consorting with cats will stunt a baby’s growth and give him acne.

If you watch a lot of T.V., read in dim light, or masturbate, make sure to eat plenty of carrots afterwards, or you’ll go blind.

If your ears are burning, it means nobody loves you.

If you have a burn, rub a toad on it. This will cure the burn, but make you sneeze. Incidentally, sneezing is one-seventh of an orgasm, which is why men think about sneezing once every seven seconds.

If playing music for your plants doesn’t make them grow, try feeding them with Pop Rocks and soda. But check the soda first, for syringes and fried rats.

We really only use 10% of our skeletal structure, so it’s alright to break a bone or two.

If you have unprotected sex, stand in front of a mirror afterward and recite ‘Bloody Mary’ fifteen times. You won’t get pregnant (but you’ll probably be killed).

If you travel into space, you can look back and see Bush planning 9/11.

In the Southern hemisphere, water swirls the opposite way down toilets, which also explains why all the people that live down there are stupid and poor.

In any given year, you swallow 8 spiders and derail three trains.

If you spill any salt, it is very bad luck. To counteract it, break all the glasses in the kitchen, and dance and sing for one hour. Also, smack your children and kill the dog. That should do it. But if you spill salt again in the same month, burn down your house and move to another city. And God help you.

“Trust not the man whose eyebrows meet, for in his heart you’ll find deceit.”*


*I did not write this. It is an actual saying.

One Comment

  1. I need to stop reading your blog at work. My snickering is getting louder and drawing attention from my boss.

    Like

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