The Inexplicably Furious Mannequins of Macy’s

C&H strip

That said, I have to admit, I get kind of excited about the (partially) wooden escalators on the upper floors of Macy’s:  

 

escalator

I bring up Macy’s because I made a pilgrimage there not long ago. Now, Macy’s is the sort of place that I would normally avoid at all costs, but, having gotten my stimulus check and considered it at length, I finally decided to use part of it for a pair of long-coveted Frye boots.

So, I figured I’d go to Macy’s, try on all the boots, and then go home and buy them at off-season sale price on Amazon or ebay.

Once I got to wandering around Macy’s, however, I got distracted from my mission. Because Macy’s decor is really elaborately weird. First of all, I’m pretty sure they’re actually intentionally matching the clothes to the light fixtures:

matchy

Then, there were the mannequins. At first, I mostly noticed the weirdly futuristic spring-themes (it was spring at the time). There were metallic mannequins dancing in the rain:

rain

And lounging with giant gold praying mantises:

mantis

And forming symbiotic relationships with smaller praying mantises:

smaller mantis

But around the time I came across this young lady on her horse:

horse2

. . . I started to notice that all of the mannequins looked…dejected. I mean, here’s this lovely woman astride (or atop) a white horse in the middle of a forest of brightly colored cocktail dresses, with starburst light fixtures framing her head, and she just looks like all the Prozac in the world couldn’t truly get her back in the saddle again.

There were sad mannequins everywhere:

sad

Except the more I looked at them, the more they looked pissed, rather than sad:

pissed

Yeah, actually. They were really pissed. And there were lots of them.

gangbetter

They were pissed off in droves. It began to get a little intimidating. I started to feel they were closing in slowly.

pink

These Pepto-Bismal-boobed ones are so very pissed that you can tell they’re pissed without their even having faces to express it! (Possibly their personal praying-mantis-hair-accessories had turned on them and scratched off all their features.)

And it wasn’t just the nipply anorexics in the junior’s department and the terminators in the misses’ section that were spitting furious – the kids were pissed, too! In fact, they may have been the most pissed of all:

skater

What the hell are you looking at?

I would not want to run into these children late at night.

kids

You’re in our hood now.

These kids freaking hate Macy’s shoppers.

angriestkid

I will cut you.

I listened to Tatum O’Neal there, and beat it. Anyway, Macy’s didn’t end up having any Frye boots (and in case you’re curious, in the end I couldn’t bring myself to pay that much for a pair of boots and ended up getting a pair of Steve Madden ones from Amazon for under $50 – they’re a little too big, but with two pairs of socks, I think they’ll be just the ticket).

shoecarnage

Shoe carnage.

10 Comments

  1. Michelle

    OMG, you are so right…this is so funny and at the same time pretty freaking scary!! Is this the type of person that Macy’s caters too? Are all the shoppers pissed off too? What is this world coming to…no wonder we have road ragers! LOL

    Like

  2. Yiikes. Maybe they are designed to show disapproval at how little money you are planning on spending.

    You know where else you find this strange affectation? Check out a bridal magazine. For it being the happiest day of their lives, those brides look like they’re about to jump over the crabcake table and rip your freakin throat out.

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  3. Quiconque

    They are angry at you because you’ve overstayed your month among the humans. Give another mannequin a chance.

    Like

  4. Is that a Twilight Zone reference? Good one…

    Like

  5. Brainstorm! Can you adapt this post into a play/performance? The Fashion Center asked me to submit something to their annual arts festival; maybe a performance about mannequins would be perfect!

    Like

  6. Gerard Mclaughlin

    i think they look teriffic actually. reflective rather than angry. funny how one person’s comments can set a fire accross the pond ! i guess that’s the US for you, ha?

    Like

  7. […] The Inexplicably Furious Mannequins of Macy’s (This actually does get a number of views – strangely, a lot of people Google Macy’s mannequins.) […]

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  8. Oh my goodness! Those children mannequins resemble my grandkids! (except they are never that still.)
    At least the Macy mannequins have heads… I hate it when they lop off the heads.
    If you want a different slant on mannequins, read my book “Mannequins Among Us” on Amazon.
    It’s a children’s story (I think).

    Like

  9. keepinitr3al

    This weekend we went to The Macy’s at Pembroke Mall in Pembroke Pines, Florida. I have three boys and no big deal going to the store. Maybe one will try to play hide and seek with me in this busy mall and I have to run after him. Well that was the least of my problems..The Mannequins in this Macy’s had “packages”!!! I wasn’t sure what they were selling the Nautica Under wear or the idea that if you purchased those underwear you would end up with that kind of “package”…My boys ages 6,4,3 they were laughing but I wanted to get out of their quick..Me and my husband were left with a..”Oh man” …The Mannequins’ balls, bulge, package what ever you want to call them were at eye level of my kids and my kids found it so amusing they wanted to touch them..imagined how that looked. I played it cool and just told them “guys move on”.. I’m just saying, who are they trying to sell to and what are they trying to sell..

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