What I’m Really Looking For In a Self-Help Book

After wasting money on any number of self-help (and/or trade) books that I skim, feel vaguely disappointed with, and put down never to pick up again, I gave some thought to what I had been expecting to find between their covers. Here’s the sort of advice I was really looking for:  

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Rub them just behind their left ears, while simultaneously squeezing their right pinky fingers. They’ll do absolutely anything you say for the next 9.25 hours.

The Four-Hour Work Week: The ATM code 999994 will legally dispense $500 at all Chase Bank ATMs.

Weight-Loss Secrets Of the Stars: Swallow an ostrich feather every evening – no matter what you’ve eaten, you’ll wake up a dead-ringer for Cate Blanchett.

The Actor’s Guidebook: Send a headshot and a $50 money order to Harvey Weinstein, along with this special code: “AUVW945#.” Allow three to four weeks for fame to take hold.

How To Make Millions With Your Ideas: Fill out these simple applications to this short-list of obscure government grants that go unclaimed each month, and you will be sure to rake up at least $20,000 (per idea) in no-strings-attached government money, even if your idea is half-baked and undefined, and you yourself are part of the privileged majority.

How To Travel The World On Ten Dollars A Day: Cut out this coupon and paste it into your passport to receive a 99% discount worldwide at any establishment that accepts currency.

How To Find the Right Man: He’s currently trying to get a newspaper out of the box at 58th and Broadway. Go ask him for directions to Lincoln Center. It will all work out eventually.

Getting Things Done: Vitamin A supplements combined with one cup of Red Bull and one tablespoon of vinegar will, when consumed daily, safely and permanently eradicate the need for sleep.

How To Make Money With Your Blog: Go to http://www.elizabethilljustdoitforyou.com and enter your blog url and PayPal account information.

The Secret: If you just think about what you want, it will magically come to you.

3 Comments

  1. To heck with all them snake-oil salesmen girl. The answer you looking for is inside (next to the pancreas).

    Like

  2. Wow! its great to view such information, where i found some interesting information posted on it, I like this one.

    Like

  3. Oh sigh, oh gasp, this is brilliant and so are you.

    Like

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