What I’m Really Looking For In a Self-Help Book

After wasting money on any number of self-help (and/or trade) books that I skim, feel vaguely disappointed with, and put down never to pick up again, I gave some thought to what I had been expecting to find between their covers. Here’s the sort of advice I was really looking for:  

How To Win Friends And Influence People: Rub them just behind their left ears, while simultaneously squeezing their right pinky fingers. They’ll do absolutely anything you say for the next 9.25 hours.

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The Four-Hour Work Week: The ATM code 999994 will legally dispense $500 at all Chase Bank ATMs.

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Weight-Loss Secrets Of the Stars: Swallow an ostrich feather every evening – no matter what you’ve eaten, you’ll wake up a dead-ringer for Cate Blanchett.

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The Actor’s Guidebook: Send a headshot and a $50 money order to Harvey Weinstein, along with this special code: “AUVW945#.” Allow three to four weeks for fame to take hold.

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How To Make Millions With Your Ideas: Fill out these simple applications to this short-list of obscure government grants that go unclaimed each month, and you will be sure to rake up at least $20,000 (per idea) in no-strings-attached government money, even if your idea is half-baked and undefined, and you yourself are part of the privileged majority.

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How To Travel The World On Ten Dollars A Day: Cut out this coupon and paste it into your passport to receive a 99% discount worldwide at any establishment that accepts currency.

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How To Find the Right Man: He’s currently trying to get a newspaper out of the box at 58th and Broadway. Go ask him for directions to Lincoln Center. It will all work out eventually.

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Getting Things Done: Vitamin A supplements combined with one cup of Red Bull and one tablespoon of vinegar will, when consumed daily, safely and permanently eradicate the need for sleep.

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How To Make Money With Your Blog: Go to http://www.elizabethilljustdoitforyou.com and enter your blog url and PayPal account information.

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The Secret: If you just think about what you want, it will magically come to you.