Argh! *Cough* Oh, Excuse Me

Heyyy, matey. Well, as you can see the lads and I have been talking, and this is really just so awkward, but we all feel that it’s time you left us, and hopped on over that plank. I know, I know, it’s sooo awful, but I just can’t help but feel you’re fomenting a mutiny. Yeah. I know. Well, I feel just shitty about it, but you’re going to have to go. Do you know how to swim? Oh, you should learn! It’s so good for you – really tones your shoulders and biceps, and you know, it doesn’t hurt your joints at all. I used to try to swim every day, but when we’re on these long jaunts like this, I get so out of shape. Look at these love handles! I swear, I don’t know where they come from, since all I eat is some freaking old biscuits. Well, sure, maybe it’s the rum cocktails! Oh, I am a tragedy – I can’t recall when I last had a decent manicure. Look at these nails. I almost wish both hands were hooks, at this point.

Look at me! I am so totally ADD – we were right in the middle of throwing you overboard! Alright, off you go, hon. Yeah, you really have to. I know, I feel just tragic about it. At least you’ll get off this damned boat. I swear, I’m about to go stir crazy – not that I don’t love all y’all, but sometimes I just need my space, you know?! I know you all feel the same. I can’t wait till we sight some land. Or even another boat, at this point. Hell, I’d board anything, just for a change of scenery! What if we ran into one of those ocean liners, y’all? Wouldn’t that be magic! With, like, a running track and a pool, and we could get massages and maybe see some comedy! I once saw the most amazing musical revue on one of those boats. They have splendid performers; the one girl, she was fabulous – she sang ‘Memory,’ and I swear it was better than when I saw it on Broadw-

Oh, sorry. I forgot again! I am so bad! Okay, you’ve got to get on now. I promised the lads that we’d all have lunch just as soon as we finished chucking you off. I am famished. Of course, all we have are those ever-loving biscuits still. I would give my other eye for some nice salmon and a spinach salad. There’ll be so much fish where you’re going! I’m almost jealous. Alright, off you go. Come on. Come on, I will prod you with my sword. I will! Oh, God. You really just have to go. I just cannot do some big old confrontation today. I really can’t. My stress level lately has been just off the charts. We haven’t pillaged anything in weeks, and my booty is, like, totally dwindling. I almost don’t want to go ashore anywhere even if we do see somewhere to get off, because I am, like, one broke fool right now, seriously.

Okay, no more playing. My blood sugar is dropping. You have to scoot. HUH! There you go, sploosh! Bye-bye! (Wave, fellows.) Bye!

Okay, let’s eat, y’all. Hey, has anyone seen my stupid cockatiel today?

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, y’all!

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