Kaley Cuoco Is the Most Depressing Person Alive

So, I recently joined the YMCA in my neighborhood.  As it’s been over two years since I belonged to a gym and had regular access to weights, I’ve entirely forgotten my old regimen.  So, I bought a few women’s exercise-type magazines to find a couple of routines.  I usually steer clear of women’s magazines because they tend to make me both angry and depressed, and these were no exception.  

I seem to recall reading Shape several years ago, and it was 95% about actual exercise, and the models were all ripped. Not anymore.  Now, it’s 95% hideously overpriced clothes, and interviews with lying celebrities (“I mostly care about being happy and healthy, and my kids!”), and advice on how not to eat, or do anything much but spend insane amounts on worthless crap.  And only 40 pages in (or 3 pages in, if you don’t count advertisements), there is an interview with Kaley Cuoco.  Apparently, she is an actor on a sitcom, The Big Bang Theory.  I’d never heard of her or the show.  She’s 22-years-old, and this is what she has to say:

I go to [spinning] class three times a week, without fail.  I always get there early so I can sit in the front of the studio, and I’m ready to go as soon as the instructor comes in.*

And:

…right now I can’t get enough of the 6-inch vegetarian whole-wheat sandwich from Subway.  I pick one up after my Spin class . . . It’s my default meal; I know exactly how many calories are in it – 260 – and I never have to think about what to order.*

And worst of all:

Diet cola is my absolute favorite drink in the world; I used to drink four cans a day.  But to help me cut down, I’ve turned it into a treat.  Now, instead of having dessert, I’ll have a can of diet soda.  Putting a limit on how often I can drink it has helped me appreciate it more.*

Oh my God, Kaley!  I want to kill myself!  You are the saddest girl in the whole world!

Seriously, I myself am far more ascetic in most respects than your average person could bear to be, and I often find my own self depressing in some ways.  But even I want to kidnap this girl and make her go on some insane sky-diving, Fleet-Week-cruising, cocaine-snorting adventure in irresponsible hedonism.  What’s the point of being rich and famous if your best idea of an awesome time is go to spin class and then eat a Subway sandwich and drink a can of Diet Coke?

Jeez.


These quotes taken from Shape’s October 2008 issue (Vol. 28, No. 2); I don’t really know what the procedure is for footnoting in a blog post.  Please don’t sue me, Shape.  Oh, and also – your magazine blows.

17 Comments

  1. A SUBWAY SANDWICH? A SIX-INCH Subway sandwich? Compared to this “celebrity,” I roll like an NBA all-star.

    Good exercise advice can be found here: http://www.stumptuous.com.

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  2. I’m starting a tally of all the times you make me laugh out loud in my office for >30 seconds. It only counts if it’s in the office and my neighbors can judge me, so it won’t be a real accurate count of how many times I laugh at your blog, generally, but it’ll be fun for me.

    1.

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  3. Oh, God. That’s a lot of pressure, Mary Jane. What if I never write anything funny ever again? That sad little 1 will linger there eternally, a numerical testament to my failure.

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    1. Nearly 5 years later and it’s still a 1. So sad. But hey, you make me laugh every day!

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  4. […] fifth top post is this one, because, YOU GUYS, I cannot even TELL you how many people out there are searching for “Kaley […]

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  5. First of all, sorry if I write mistakes.
    I have to say, that everybody can look at her interview differently. Yoy say she is depressing. I say, that she is one of the happiest women on earth. If you are happy just because you go to a spinning session 3 times a week, that shoud inspire us, because most of the people, these days, aren’t even satisfied when they buy a new iPod. Do you get my point? Its like she said in that interview, she drinks less coke now, and she uses that as a treat. Everybody has a different way of living ;). She is kind of an idol for me
    once again sorry for the writingmistakes I made, english is not my native language.

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    1. Alyssa Rose

      I can’t tell you how much I absolutely agree with you Jens! If someone can get a little pleasure out of as simple of a thing as a spin class and a Subway sandwich, then they are truly a person to admire. I have admired Kaley so much since I first saw her on The Big Bang Theory, she is such a sweetheart and has such a big heart. You don’t find many of those on the Hollywood scene anymore ❤

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  6. Whatever

    Well, she’ll make more than 2 million this year, so she must be doing something right. Or better than the average blogger.

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  7. You suck

    Dumbest thing I’ve ever read. Get a life.

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  8. Pathetic

    just because she happens to not flaunt her money does not make her sad it makes her normal…it’s sad you are so unhappy with yourself you must search this desperately to find the girl next door with an average figure and healthy routine to pick on for no apparent reason. get your sh*t together.

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  9. Maria Q.

    Yeah, Kaley Cuco may not seem like she’s exciting with her workout routines and her diet, but that doesn’t man she’s “depressing” or “the saddest girl in the world”. Exaggeration much? Haha. Yeah, she’s a celebrity and she could probably blow her money on exciting workout activites like surfing, or a one on one Pilates class with a celebrity trainer, but she doesn’t. Unlike a lot of people, she’s been graced with a nice body that she doesn’t need to work too had to keep it in shape. Also, just because she’s a celebrity doesn’t mean she HAVE to have a exciting work out routine. Sorry Shape magazine didn’t pick a better candidate to excite you enough? Haha.

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  10. Anonymous

    you are nothing but a fuckwit i know kaley and she is lovely what is cool about going on a cocaine bender you dumb crackwhore spin is pretty gay 5though at least she isnt an insecure fuckwit that isnt honest with herself you dopey bitch thanks fezxzzz on twitter biatch

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  11. JustGotReal

    I think you have to be bored and hate yourself to ACTUALLY write something this mean you self-righteous prick. take up a hobby you troll!

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  12. Anonymous

    From what I have read Kaley seems levelheaded. Why on earth would she talk about any of the parties she does go to or how she spends her money in a interview about health? I heard she is friends with Britney Snow. The point being is she has friends who are actresses, and all because she doesn’t brag about her time spent with friends, does not mean she is a boring person. If spinning classes work for her, then that is awesome! She also rides horses. A lot of people wish they could own a horse. I think it is very refreshing to hear about an actress I can actually relate to. I love how she doesn’t get in trouble. I agree she seems to be happy and well-adjusted. She does have perks, I was reading an article how she loves shoes. She has a whole closet full. The article is by the coveteur http://www.thecoveteur.com/kaley_cuoco, She has a beautiful home in LA which I am sure is expensive. Everyone has a different idea on what they would do if they were famous and had money, I can agree to that. but where Fame comes sometimes with a lofty price (No privacy, rumor mill, pressures etc.) , I think Kaley has seemed to handle her fame quite well.

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  13. (that 1 still lingers….)

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      1. Anonymous

        Many if your enters got a belly laugh this morning though, so I’ll count those incidences… New total:

        10 (!!!!)

        Congratulations, Fuckwit!

        Love,
        Crackwhore

        Like

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