Let me spare you the $14 and nearly three hours of your life you might otherwise waste on this piece of shit movie, and recap it here for your convenience:
Lights up on Average G.I. Joe, in a sleeping drawer from the Fifth Element set, installed in the giant room from The Matrix.
Joe: Damn, I shore have gotten myself in one hell of a mess. Let me explain to ya how it happened. I ain’t no fancy, brainy scientist like my big brother was. I’m just your average military man, but I’ve got a healthy heaping of horse sense, and I’ve got heart. You might even call me…a Real American. (Except that I’m disabled. That’s the groundbreaking, original thing about me as a hero.)
Joe arrives at base camp. Cut to Ripley, arguing with overly muscled, severely bleached, shouty military guy with face scars, so you know he’s a For Serious Dude.
FSD: Now, look Ripley, as I’m always telling you, I’m a military guy. My perspective is very simple – these native peoples want us dead. There’s no negotiating with them; the only way to win is to wipe them off the face of this new planet. Now, you, you’re a scientist. Your motivation is to study and understand their culture. But we both work for that coked-up guy in the suit and glasses over there with the putting strip in his office (srsly), and he’s a businessman. His motivation is to mine the very valuable unobtanium (srsly) that is underneath the native people’s Home Tree (srsly), and he doesn’t much care how he gets it, but he doesn’t want any bad press. Now, you’re conflicted, because you depend on his money to fund your research, and you and I have a lot of conflict because we disagree over how reasonable the native population is.
Ripley: A three hour long movie, and they couldn’t find time to unfold the exposition in any more graceful way than that stilted, ridiculous monologue?
FSD: I know, right? Can you believe they actually paid someone to write this shit, yet Elizabeth Urello can’t get published to save her life?
Businessman: Actually, this screenplay was written by the guy who wrote the text for the original Legend of Kyrandia.
FSD: Wow, that’s quite the reference.
Ripley: God, I look good for my age.
Joe (via his avatar) heads into the jungle.
Joe: Wow. This jungle is really cool-looking.
Ripley: Is it?
Joe: Well, now that I’ve been here a minute, it’s a little garish.
Ripley: And flat, don’t you think? Like our avatars?
Joe: Yeah. It all looks very Vegas.
Ripley: I always think it looks like it was designed by a 14-year-old gamer who just got a blacklight.
Joe: Oh, totally! And likes to go to underage clubs where all the girls wear body glitter.
Joe becomes separated from the group, and meets the chief’s daughter.
Pocahontas: You think you own whatever land you land on. But I know every rock and tree and flower has a life, has a purpose, has a name.
Joe: My favorite thing about you noble savages is how your women wear no tops.
Pocahontas: Plus, we’re really spiritual and quiet and in touch with nature.
Joe: I want to sleep with you. As soon as I’ve earned the right by proving myself to your people.
Pocahontas: Let me introduce you to our ways. Our nature spirit forces tell me that you’re a God sent here to deliver us.
Joe: Well, I am a strapping white guy.
Pocahontas: Good thing, or we’d never be able to defend ourselves against your superior military.
Joe: This is all so tired, even I can barely stay interested.
Pocahontas: Right? And yet, have you read the reviews?
Joe: I know! The reviewers are all on crack.
Joe quickly learns all of the native people’s skills and surpasses them in every way. They worship him as a savior. He saves the native peoples (albeit with many casualties), bangs the chief’s daughter.
Joe: And now, I will live among you always.
Pocahontas: Although you’ve overseen the destruction of my home, and the slaughter of my family and friends, I will now lick your feet in gratitude.
Joe: Damn straight, my little blue trophy.
Pocahontas: Speaking of, wasn’t this whole storyline terribly racist?
Joe: Well, it would have been, except for the computer animation. That makes it fresh.
Pocahontas: I see. I have to admit, even though I resisted slightly at the outset, I always knew things would turn out like this.
Joe: Well, there’s absolutely nothing in this movie that a moron in a coma couldn’t see coming a mile away.
Pocahontas: Center Stage looks positively groundbreaking by comparison.
Joe: Oh, I forgot about that! You really deserve a good project.