What About My Online Dating Profile Isn’t Working For Me?

My skin is white as porcelain
Between the cold sores on my chin.

My hair grows thick and lustrous red,
Most everywhere but on my head. 

My eyes are wide and clearest blue,
And ooze the most entrancing goo.

My laugh is like a birdie’s tweet
When it’s been crushed ‘neath someone’s feet.

My chest is pert, my tummy flat
Beneath three hundred pounds of fat.

My breath smells sweet as breeze in May
In New York on trash pick-up day.

I know about the birds and bees —
I have a dozen STDs,

And am as skilled and fun in bed
As any corpse that lies there, dead.

My sense of humor is a wonder,
The cause of many a social blunder.

Kind and patient, loyal and true…
These words don’t describe me! How about you?

I am as talented and smart
As is a football player’s fart.

Guys say I could be thought pretty
If the last girl in the city.

My date last night did not even retch –
So message me quick, for I am a catch!

Why am I still single?  Thoughts?

97 Comments

  1. Hope says:

    Your iambs are breathtaking. I don’t understand WHAT they are all waiting for.

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Maybe it’s because they get a little shaky in the last few couplets. Men on dating sites are notoriously picky about scansion.

      Like

  2. wolke205 says:

    I can’t stop laughing. No idea why u r still single, but keep on writing, I really enjoyed reading! 🙂

    Like

  3. CrystalSpins says:

    Very nice. So creative! And I was ready to really help assess the situation when I clicked through.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

    Like

  4. Well we at least know there’s nothing wrong with your writing. So you can cross that off the list…

    Like

  5. Well you definitely know how to make someone giggle! That’s a start 🙂

    http://www.notcomplicated.wordpress.com

    Like

  6. gringation says:

    Hilarious! At least you sound like you have a great personality and sense of humor… underneath those 300 pounds haha.

    Like

  7. And one thing more
    I’m not a bore;
    And if I’m bad
    I’m always sad.
    If you could like me,
    Just a little
    I’d be so glad
    And cease to fiddle
    Rave and rant,
    And start to pant
    For fear and favour
    For one gallant!
    (with apologies to versifiers wherever found)

    Like

  8. LB Darling says:

    OMG! I’m so glad I stumbled on to this post this morning. You really made me laugh! Bravo! Are you a fan of “Mad TV” and their “Lowered Expectations” skits by any chance????

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Oh, yes – I’d forgotten about those!

      Like

  9. Kristina says:

    Too funny! And here I thought you needed help rewriting your profile!

    Like

  10. Kelly Hay says:

    This post is hilarious! It’s definitely not your sense of humor that needs critiquing!

    Like

  11. That was great! I would advise you to pretend it’s opposite day every day, at least on your social sites:)

    Like

  12. Online dating is serious business and shouldn’t be distracted with humor. My appraisal is that your looks are fine but it’s the humor that’s doing you in.

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Well, I have always been terrible at any serious business, as my bank account can attest. 😦

      Like

    2. @Wordsfromawoman – If the person doesn’t find this funny then he can take a hike, I’m assuming she’s looking for a guy with humor. Online Dating is a dead end anyway. My friend tried that for years and ending up with such bad bad choices.

      Loved this, really entertaining.

      Like

  13. dy'Z says:

    hahahha… i need a long long time 2 stop laguhin’ here. maybe u still single but so many secret admirer of u 😉

    Like

  14. Perfect. Anyone who has been on an online dating site can relate.

    Like

  15. You have just described the majority of profiles on plenty of fish! LOL 🙂

    Like

  16. My hair grows thick and lustrous red,
    Most everywhere but on my head.

    I can tell this from your profile? Link, please. 🙂

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Just picture a Yeti in a bathing cap.

      Like

  17. Very good! I am still smiling!

    Like

  18. Ahh, the perfect girl minus the “tiny” flaws lol

    Like

  19. Herself says:

    Hilarious! God only knows why no one has snapped you up! 🙂

    Like

  20. The Alchemist says:

    Hilarious 🙂 You aleast ave a great sense of humor!!!
    Keep writng!
    http://myworldrevolvesaroundyou.wordpress.com/

    Like

  21. jdschaefer says:

    Love your imagery! Hopefully someone catches onto your talent.

    For anyone needing some relationship pick me up, jump onto http://ineedapeptalk.wordpress.com/ and submit the topic for which you need motivation. Our crack team of inspirational enthusiasts will go to work on a pep talk specifically for you! Also, enjoy our ‘Back to School’ series of pep talks fresh off the press!

    Like

  22. Patricia Mahler Vazquez says:

    But, seriously, folks– as a veteran online dater — admittedly extremely scarred and bitter–
    I have NO freaking idea what men are looking for and what makes them actually attempt to
    date someone online. And if you actually ASK one of them to honestly tell you what they
    are looking for and what the crieteria is for picking someone out to actually talk to online–
    they don’t answer. Are they really ‘gormless worms’ and really have no idea what they
    are doing? No consciousness at ALL? I had a friend– note the word- HAD — who was a
    woman who had a hobby of getting online and seeing how many males she could get
    to email her, how many to ask her out– she wasn’t any better looking than me, the same age
    as me—but she was a great liar and a flirt. i should have hung around long enough to
    get her to ‘fish’ for ME. She didn’t want one– she was married–she just liked the hunt. Typical.

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      You two should work out a Cyrano/Christian deal!

      Like

    2. Dach says:

      Patricia,
      I could tell you but it would take more time than I care to devote and you would just label me as a misogynist anyway. I will give you a couple of hints tho. First from my personal experience far too many women on the dating sites are dishonest in their profiles as to who they are and what they are REALLY looking for or are downright evil like your married friend. And too many women feel like if they are decent looking they are “sitting on a gold mine” and don’t give a guy the time of day because maybe he doesn’t have a big job. Because they are shallow and lacking character they end up with a shallow guy and then when it doesn’t work out they bemoan “where are all the good men”? Ponder how many women actually sign up for dating sites as paying members Vs as non paying members. Good luck to you.

      Like

      1. Elizabeth says:

        Well, hell, dude – replace “women” with “men”, and your comment is just as accurate.

        Also, if you find yourself making sweeping pronouncements about “women” (or about men) as if they are a collective body, that might be your first clue as to why you have trouble with them.

        Like

  23. Lindsay says:

    Ohhhhh I love this. Such creativity! You rock!

    -Lindsay
    http://www.thedailyawe.com

    Like

  24. Acai says:

    I’m still laughing. great post. keep them coming.

    Like

  25. For online dating, you need a Haiku. Write one and your emails will be many, your lonely nights few. Do as I say, don’t do as I do. For the life of me, I can never write a proper Haiku.

    Like

  26. barrycyrus says:

    Haha hellarious! Nice one 🙂

    Like

  27. C says:

    Love it! Seems like something one might read in “The New Yorker.”

    –The Well-Versed Mom
    http://wellversedmom.wordpress.com/

    Like

  28. Joy says:

    Wow. Very cleaver and witty. I loved it so much I had to read it to a friend!!!

    Like

  29. Elizabeth says:

    Thanks for visiting all – and for your nice comments!

    I had fun writing this, and I really did put it on an online dating profile – needless to say, it has not gotten the response there that it has on my blog. 😉

    Like

  30. I don’t understand why you’re not getting many matches. If I were male, I would definitely be into that profile. You had me at line 2.

    Cheers!

    Like

  31. culturespain says:

    Very good – that reads like something from a Gothic horror story!

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      That’s what I was going for!

      Like

  32. lbwong says:

    Great perspective on the thrills of being single and searching for that special someone! Looking forward to more of your creative writing. Thanks, LB

    Like

  33. evilcyber says:

    I have the vague notion that your approach to dating may be a bit too intellectual 😉

    Would you mind specifiying what STDs? Maybe we can work around that 🙂

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Oh, all of them – even the classics!

      Like

      1. evilcyber says:

        Oh Elizabeth…, what man can withstand the thrall of a woman that indulges in the pleasures of syphilis?

        Like

  34. natinanorton says:

    WOW! Sounds like an apt description for the one that got away… or that I hoped would go away. 🙂

    I especially like the line about being as “talented and smart as a football players fart.”

    Classy. 🙂

    Congrats on Freshly Pressed, by the way!

    Natina

    http://humansareassholes.wordpress.com

    Like

  35. This is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

    Like

  36. dimamatta says:

    this is absolutely hilarious!! i love it!! it reminds me of Dorothy Parker’s poetry, and she’s one of my favorites! you should check out her poem called “Symptom Recital”. I remembered it while reading your post 🙂

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Dima – I adore Dorothy Parker’s poetry, and having my writing compared to hers is one of the most flattering compliments anyone could give! Thank you!

      Like

  37. I often come across the same problem… what is about herpes flare ups that people find so off putting? I just don’t get it

    – Calhoun

    http://selfproclaimedmegalomaniac.wordpress.com/

    Like

  38. Evie Garone says:

    CUTE!!! Ya think this is the problem??? Maybe??

    evelyngarone.com

    Like

  39. Your words are fine, so do not pout.
    The picture’s all they care about.

    Congrats on Fresh Pressed, by the way.
    Your poem brightened up my day.

    Like

  40. Jim Hagen says:

    LOL
    I love you for your mind!

    Like

  41. Null Talee says:

    ROFLMAO!
    On-line “dating” like anything else takes practice and OMG! “honesty”.
    Too many males are too willing and/or shortsighted/immature to post parts of their private anatomy, I have found, somehow
    believing that it will attract a famle to bed them, not to mention a non-psycho chick.
    Knw what and who you want first, do not be discouraged by failures, protect yor security and privacy, post
    wisely and carefully, and keep the world in-mind…search far and wide; do your “homework” on what and who you’d like.
    You will, like I have, finally find what and who you are looking for. And if our post was totally tongue-in-cheek, “You GOT me!! LOL
    http://achilliad.wordpress.com/2010/07/14/love-poem/

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Null, by doing homework on who you’d like, do you mean following them home and peering through their windows? Because if so, done!! :O

      Like

  42. LBot says:

    If you’d like we can do a photoshoot for this profile. I have a lot of proshetic hair we can glue to your fingers. xo

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Oooh, and feathers? Plus, I bet you can do some awesome bloody sores.

      Like

  43. puffyg says:

    Haha. That poem is amazing. LOVE it!

    Like

  44. AMAZING! How can they not want to message someone like that? Men, I tell ya!!

    LOVED IT BTW!!!

    Like

  45. sagerider says:

    …..hey,you can’t all that bad if you have earned a dozen STD’s. Just remember, dear there is someone for everyone. Just keep visiting the prisons on family day. You could make it 13!

    Like

  46. davi says:

    I totally love this it made my night 🙂

    Like

  47. tamourtahir says:

    What I liked most is

    My chest is pert, my tummy flat
    Beneath three hundred pounds of fat.

    You did it in simple, you can write different versions of this ( Love to read them )
    May God bless you, and Keep on writing.

    Like

  48. sarahnsh says:

    Don’t worry too much about the online dating, I can’t tell you how many guys ‘closed communcation’ with me on eHarmony… to say the least, it was kind of depressing. It may be because you have great spelling and most people talk like, ‘I want u bad do u want me 2?’

    Like

  49. 2zpoint says:

    You are an odd strange little woman… but very clever! LOL! Great post!

    Like

  50. Sanjiv Khamgaonkar says:

    haha, brilliant!

    Like

  51. Bakbakee says:

    HAHHAHAHA…no clue why your still single! Really funny! 🙂

    Like

  52. batikmania says:

    Hehehehe… I wonder myself, why my online dating isn’t working for me as well. Maybe becoz my profile is not as “impressive” as yours. 😉 Well at least, people who read the description above might want to get to know you better, to find out whether you are telling the truth, or just… being honest. Hahaha… Nicely written. I like it!

    Like

  53. ivettedeleon says:

    this was quite entertaining, thank you.

    Like

  54. Julia says:

    Brilliant!
    Simply love it …

    THANKS!

    Like

  55. saleh says:

    The subject of great
    Thanks For Post

    http://www.almonizah.com/vb

    Like

  56. oldancestor says:

    Hey, if you posted that on a dating site for ogres, you’d get more hits than Elvis and the Beatles combined.

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      A dating site for ogres is a pretty brilliant idea! I would be all over that.

      Probably have to wade through a lot of furries, though.

      Like

  57. Is it too cheesy to say “I don’t know. You had me at hello..”?

    Like

  58. M(i)zHitRun says:

    Hi Elizabeth! Thanks for sharing, great imagination. Sounds like your ideal mate has to be a Sci-Fi fan 😉

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Ha! More fantasy.

      Like

  59. amybeth1 says:

    I loved it, I met my husband through an online dating service, a sense of humor is important!

    Like

  60. Elizabeth, I like Your Poem, its good ! Http//Jendelakatatiti.wordpress.com.

    Like

  61. greyzgreyz says:

    This post definitely made my night! Keep on writing, I enjoy reading this! 🙂

    Like

  62. nonconformist00 says:

    i love this!

    Like

  63. Sue says:

    Very funny profile! Any guy with a great sense of humor should be intrigued enough to pen a reply. This is more fun to read than 99% of the profiles I see posted. It emphasizes the importance of showcasing the real you in a unique way. You go, Girl!

    Like

  64. pokynojoe says:

    Now you’ve done it! I’ve abandoned all hope, however slight, of ever having grandchildren. By the way, see you Saturday, I should be up there around noon, assuming the flight is close to schedule.

    Me

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      You have a grandchild – Thomasina!

      Like

  65. Simon Ross says:

    Brilliant, it was so good I stole it for a play I am casting in the US. We have already sold 1500 tickets over 7 showings.
    Keep up the good work.

    Simon

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Oh, Simon, you joker…as if anyone really buys theater tickets!

      Like

  66. beansmcgee says:

    I have no clue why dear,your a fetch catch in my book

    Like

  67. sayitinasong says:

    lol!! How clever!!! You are very talented.

    Like

  68. silviu says:

    Great Post !!

    Like

  69. inkgwen says:

    Haha…I love the cynicism. 🙂

    Like

  70. mercyhn says:

    Gosh, this is way too impressive. You might have intimidated the ladies. Tone it down a bit? Great read. Thanks!

    http://toponder.wordpress.com

    Like

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Ladies sure do intimidate easily. I know, being a lady myself. 😉

      Like

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