What About My Online Dating Profile Isn’t Working For Me?

My skin is white as porcelain
Between the cold sores on my chin.

My hair grows thick and lustrous red,
Most everywhere but on my head. 

My eyes are wide and clearest blue,
And ooze the most entrancing goo.

My laugh is like a birdie’s tweet
When it’s been crushed ‘neath someone’s feet.

My chest is pert, my tummy flat
Beneath three hundred pounds of fat.

My breath smells sweet as breeze in May
In New York on trash pick-up day.

I know about the birds and bees —
I have a dozen STDs,

And am as skilled and fun in bed
As any corpse that lies there, dead.

My sense of humor is a wonder,
The cause of many a social blunder.

Kind and patient, loyal and true…
These words don’t describe me! How about you?

I am as talented and smart
As is a football player’s fart.

Guys say I could be thought pretty
If the last girl in the city.

My date last night did not even retch –
So message me quick, for I am a catch!

Why am I still single?  Thoughts?

Comments 97

  1. charliechops1 August 18, 2010

    And one thing more
    I’m not a bore;
    And if I’m bad
    I’m always sad.
    If you could like me,
    Just a little
    I’d be so glad
    And cease to fiddle
    Rave and rant,
    And start to pant
    For fear and favour
    For one gallant!
    (with apologies to versifiers wherever found)

    Like

  2. LB Darling August 18, 2010

    OMG! I’m so glad I stumbled on to this post this morning. You really made me laugh! Bravo! Are you a fan of “Mad TV” and their “Lowered Expectations” skits by any chance????

    Like

  3. jdschaefer August 18, 2010

    Love your imagery! Hopefully someone catches onto your talent.

    For anyone needing some relationship pick me up, jump onto http://ineedapeptalk.wordpress.com/ and submit the topic for which you need motivation. Our crack team of inspirational enthusiasts will go to work on a pep talk specifically for you! Also, enjoy our ‘Back to School’ series of pep talks fresh off the press!

    Like

  4. Patricia Mahler Vazquez August 18, 2010

    But, seriously, folks– as a veteran online dater — admittedly extremely scarred and bitter–
    I have NO freaking idea what men are looking for and what makes them actually attempt to
    date someone online. And if you actually ASK one of them to honestly tell you what they
    are looking for and what the crieteria is for picking someone out to actually talk to online–
    they don’t answer. Are they really ‘gormless worms’ and really have no idea what they
    are doing? No consciousness at ALL? I had a friend– note the word- HAD — who was a
    woman who had a hobby of getting online and seeing how many males she could get
    to email her, how many to ask her out– she wasn’t any better looking than me, the same age
    as me—but she was a great liar and a flirt. i should have hung around long enough to
    get her to ‘fish’ for ME. She didn’t want one– she was married–she just liked the hunt. Typical.

    Like

    • Dach August 19, 2010

      Patricia,
      I could tell you but it would take more time than I care to devote and you would just label me as a misogynist anyway. I will give you a couple of hints tho. First from my personal experience far too many women on the dating sites are dishonest in their profiles as to who they are and what they are REALLY looking for or are downright evil like your married friend. And too many women feel like if they are decent looking they are “sitting on a gold mine” and don’t give a guy the time of day because maybe he doesn’t have a big job. Because they are shallow and lacking character they end up with a shallow guy and then when it doesn’t work out they bemoan “where are all the good men”? Ponder how many women actually sign up for dating sites as paying members Vs as non paying members. Good luck to you.

      Like

      • Elizabeth August 19, 2010

        Well, hell, dude – replace “women” with “men”, and your comment is just as accurate.

        Also, if you find yourself making sweeping pronouncements about “women” (or about men) as if they are a collective body, that might be your first clue as to why you have trouble with them.

        Like

  5. Elizabeth August 18, 2010

    Thanks for visiting all – and for your nice comments!

    I had fun writing this, and I really did put it on an online dating profile – needless to say, it has not gotten the response there that it has on my blog. 😉

    Like

  6. dimamatta August 18, 2010

    this is absolutely hilarious!! i love it!! it reminds me of Dorothy Parker’s poetry, and she’s one of my favorites! you should check out her poem called “Symptom Recital”. I remembered it while reading your post 🙂

    Like

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  8. Null Talee August 18, 2010

    ROFLMAO!
    On-line “dating” like anything else takes practice and OMG! “honesty”.
    Too many males are too willing and/or shortsighted/immature to post parts of their private anatomy, I have found, somehow
    believing that it will attract a famle to bed them, not to mention a non-psycho chick.
    Knw what and who you want first, do not be discouraged by failures, protect yor security and privacy, post
    wisely and carefully, and keep the world in-mind…search far and wide; do your “homework” on what and who you’d like.
    You will, like I have, finally find what and who you are looking for. And if our post was totally tongue-in-cheek, “You GOT me!! LOL
    http://achilliad.wordpress.com/2010/07/14/love-poem/

    Like

  9. sagerider August 18, 2010

    …..hey,you can’t all that bad if you have earned a dozen STD’s. Just remember, dear there is someone for everyone. Just keep visiting the prisons on family day. You could make it 13!

    Like

  10. tamourtahir August 19, 2010

    What I liked most is

    My chest is pert, my tummy flat
    Beneath three hundred pounds of fat.

    You did it in simple, you can write different versions of this ( Love to read them )
    May God bless you, and Keep on writing.

    Like

  11. sarahnsh August 19, 2010

    Don’t worry too much about the online dating, I can’t tell you how many guys ‘closed communcation’ with me on eHarmony… to say the least, it was kind of depressing. It may be because you have great spelling and most people talk like, ‘I want u bad do u want me 2?’

    Like

  12. batikmania August 19, 2010

    Hehehehe… I wonder myself, why my online dating isn’t working for me as well. Maybe becoz my profile is not as “impressive” as yours. 😉 Well at least, people who read the description above might want to get to know you better, to find out whether you are telling the truth, or just… being honest. Hahaha… Nicely written. I like it!

    Like

  13. Sue August 19, 2010

    Very funny profile! Any guy with a great sense of humor should be intrigued enough to pen a reply. This is more fun to read than 99% of the profiles I see posted. It emphasizes the importance of showcasing the real you in a unique way. You go, Girl!

    Like

  14. pokynojoe August 19, 2010

    Now you’ve done it! I’ve abandoned all hope, however slight, of ever having grandchildren. By the way, see you Saturday, I should be up there around noon, assuming the flight is close to schedule.

    Me

    Like

  15. Simon Ross August 20, 2010

    Brilliant, it was so good I stole it for a play I am casting in the US. We have already sold 1500 tickets over 7 showings.
    Keep up the good work.

    Simon

    Like

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