The Sad Fate of a Lonely Hamster

Once upon a time, there were two little hamsters who lived together in a burrow, and they were very much in love. Every night, they combed each other’s hair and then cuddled up together to sleep. But one day, one hamster told the other that he’d found another hamster and he wanted to go live in her burrow.

The remaining hamster was very sad and lonely and went into a deep depression. She had a number of friends, and they all tried to make the lonely hamster feel better, but eventually, the lonely hamster still had to go home alone and sleep in a cold burrow all by herself.

One day, the lonely hamster was foraging around near a stream, and she met a snake.

“Invite me back to your burrow,” said the snake. The snake thought that he’d have a snack, and then also have a burrow to move into, because things had recently gone pretty sour back at the hollow log where he’d been living.

“I don’t know,” said the lonely hamster. “Aren’t you a snake?”

“Let’s take things slow,” offered the snake, and the lonely hamster began to meet him at the stream every day.

The lonely hamsters’ friends were horrified.

“That’s a snake!” they all cried, when the lonely hamster called them up to dish. “That. Is. A. Snake. Once a snake, always a snake. And if you don’t believe me, Ralph says so, too, and he knows snakes.”

“Sounds like a snake,” agreed Ralph, after first pushing the phone away and saying he’d rather not get involved. “You should probably stay away from him. I might know a hamster I can set you up with. I don’t know, let me ask around.”

It was the weirdest thing, though. Even though all her friends said that the snake was a snake and to stay away from him, the lonely hamster was so lonely that what she heard┬áthem say was, “Given the right opportunity, snakes can be really nice hamsters sometimes.”

The lonely hamster invited the snake back to her burrow.

“Listen, you’re a sweet hamster,” the snake said, before coming in. “So, I just want to be clear about the situation here: I’m a snake. I can tell you that we’ll get in your burrow there, and I won’t act like a snake. But I will. I’m going to be a snake. And you know what happens between snakes and hamsters?”

Even the snake told her what he was all about!

But the lonely hamster was so lonely that what she heard the snake say was, “I just haven’t met the right hamster yet.” She heard the snake say, “Save me!”

So, she invited the snake into her burrow, and the snake ate her immediately and without any dithering or remorse. He lived in her burrow for a few months, until a honey badger that had been looking for him sniffed him out.

Moral: It’s probably more dignified to be a lonely hamster than to be snakefood…but sometimes being snakefood is more interesting.


  1. Nice allegory about capitalism! At least that’s one way to read it.


  2. Elizabeth says:

    In which case, I guess the honey badger represents global warming.


    1. Either that or Occupy Wall Street!


      1. Elizabeth says:

        That is much more optimistic!


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