Soylent – Day Three

I’m going to try really hard not to be evangelical about this, because I am all too familiar with the ludicrous claims of people who have gone on some sort of restrictive eating regimen: I had so much more energy! My skin cleared up! I was able to break through brick walls with my fists! I could suddenly understand the speech of animals! I was entirely able to forget that in the end, the best I can hope for myself is to be slightly older, leaner wormfood!

Look, I have tried every last one of these regimens — vegan, Paleo, high protein, no carb, quinoa-&-kale, being a teenage girl. And, as I think I have established, I am not super into food, so believe me when I say that “have tried” does not mean “totally ate that way for three days except for when I was having some pizza.”

I mean, I have genuinely given them all the good old college try for a couple months or so, and across the board, no matter what I was eating, I felt like the same exhausted piece of shit I always do, and my skin produced sebum with its usual unnecessary generosity.

People in my demographic are more susceptible to marketing than anybody else because they think that they’re immune. Remember back when Paleo was Atkins and was marketed at overweight middle-aged people and all the cool kids were like “great excuse for fat people to eat bacon all day NICE TRY, FAT FATTIES!”? But a quick rebrand later as “Paleo” and targeted at ripped young men who can afford to pay $150 a month to throw old tires around a garage, and suddenly those same exact cool kids are like, ‘TIS GOD’S VERY DIET THAT WILL SURELY SAVE US ALL.

Poor old Robert Atkins, sipping on his heavy cream decaf cappuccinos. He was just so dated, so very ’70s. He was like Tony Robbins before the new generation cleaved his head with an ax, and out sprang Tim Ferriss, fully formed and clad in a suit of armor.

And it’s not like I myself am immune to confirmation bias – hell, I take SSRIs! – but let’s at least be honest with ourselves when we’re suspending our disbelief.

So, given all that, I am very hesitant to be overly effusive about this. But that said? I think I might have finally found my very own Magical Thinking Projection Diet. Because, lo, this is my third day without solid food, and I am still not hungry.

I did make a little mistake today. I got up, went for my usual run, which was even more miserable than usual today because I injured my lower back doing something stupid this past weekend, and you would now be treated to several long whining paragraphs about that, except that when I reached the top of the hill, I startled two baby deer and they ran alongside me for some time, and it was therefore the best run ever! And I don’t want to complain about it anymore.

They were so close that I could have touched them, and while I realize they were actually terrified and trying their best to flee, but were just too dumb to figure out my trajectory, still, it felt like a spiritual experience we were all three participating in together. What is it about a close encounter with a wild animal that makes us so happy? What’s that all about? Deer are meaningless to me, really. I’m never going to have any sort of relationship with one, and a deer is never going to give me anything, except possibly Lyme disease. But yet, getting close to one fills you up with pointless joy, you can’t help but feel lightened.

Anyway, after that, I came home and stood on my treadmill and got pulled right into a conversation at work, and between that, and the deer, and the fact that I slept late and so didn’t get hungry until I was already out running, I forgot to consume any Soylent until about 1pm. By the time I noticed, I was pretty miserable. I had to chug like half the pitcher before I started feeling ok, and that much Soylent at once is not a super pleasant experience.

But once I’d refueled, I felt right as rain again, and it’s evening now, and I am not cooking anything or washing any dishes or spending any time trying to convince myself to put together various food components instead of just ordering pizza online. This is great, this freedom. And I’m using the freed-up time to write about deer, so we’re all benefiting, I’m sure you’ll agree.