Soylent – Day Five

Today, let’s talk about nature. One of the objections I frequently see to Soylent and any sort of processed food replacement is that it isn’t “natural.” People seem to be operating under the delusion that nature is benevolent. It is, of course, crazy to ascribe human characteristics to nature, but still, I am pretty sure that nature actively loathes us.

I am a 33-year-old single childless woman who works in tech. From nature’s perspective, I am a horrifying abberation, and an inexcusable failure on its part.

I have no idea why anybody in this day and age fetishizes what is natural, especially women. Obviously, if you are a woman, nature fucking hates your ass. It wants you to carry and spew forth a never-ending stream of babies and then die, bitch! Think about prolapsed uteruses. You are so badly evolved that your actual internal organs can FALL DOWN INSIDE YOUR BODY because if you live past sixty, nature is done with you! And let’s not even get into obstetric fistulas. Or, for that matter, what a total fail our knees and lower backs are for what they’re supposed to be doing. If our bodies had been designed by a company, that company would not only be bankrupt now, but it would be forever regarded as a cautionary tale of extreme hubris combined with shoddy engineering and poor R&D.

Male or female, nature’s interests are diametrically opposed to our own. Consider how expensive we are to nature! Germs and bugs proliferate for nothing, and they do so much good work. We cost a shit ton compared, and we do absolutely nothing. I guess our bodies decomposing is a little bit helpful to the ecosystem? But not remotely worth the outlay in resources to fatten our corpses. And that’s even before you look into how we’ve actively gone about destroying everything at a rate that could teach The Nothing a thing or two.

Every single good thing in my life is a product of how man has suppressed and triumphed over nature. If it were strictly up to nature, I would currently be an oven covered in sucking mouths of varying ages, spending every single last second of my time and energy oscillating between finding food and eating food all the damn day long. Because let’s be real, nothing about our lives is even the slightest bit natural, no matter how many ineffective cleaning products you buy, or how much chia you eat. The fact that we’ve managed to take an entire planet that doesn’t need us at all and is in many cases actively opposed to our interests and bend it to our will is really impressive!

Granted, yes, we are clearly destroying it for human life, but we have had a good run! All things must end. It’s ok to celebrate our accomplishments, even if the finale is going to be rather messy. And then the planet can repair itself once we’re gone, like a host after its drunken, destructive party guests finally leave at daybreak. The planet will take a good long nap on the couch, and then it will start to clean up, and it will realize it never ever wants to have people over again, and then it will go have a giant greasy breakfast at a diner and spend all day watching crappy reality TV while it absorbs its lesson. Don’t you worry about the planet.

Anyway, Soylent is still working great for me. I went on my usual run today, followed by tread-desking, and it was no problem. I’ve felt focused and alert at work, today and all week. I’m more exhausted in the evenings (and therefore watching more Netflix) than usual, but I think that’s the time of year. I’m pretty sure I haven’t lost any weight, and I’m actually needing less Soylent as the days go by — I’m not finishing the whole pitcher most days. I haven’t had the “trying to fall asleep while starving” issue that I usually do (I’m really bad at timing dinner close enough to bedtime to not get hungry again right when I’m lying down), and I haven’t ever been uncomfortably full, either. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a week where I wasn’t bouncing from starving to stuffed most days.

Tonight, I am going to have a burrito and some wine, because it’s Friday. This will be my first solid food all week, and while I think it will be pleasant, I am not dying for it and have not been obsessing about what I will have, the way you would a “cheat meal” when dieting.

Right now, I’m mainly bummed that I only have two days’ worth of Soylent left, and my reorder can take 1-2 weeks to ship. I do not want to go back to food. I’m dreading the old struggle that will resume come Monday morning.


  1. Paul Ciano says:

    This was epic! Great post 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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