I have a confession that’s a bit too long for Twitter: whenever I’m standing close to someone, no matter who they are or what the context is, I think about licking their face and how godawful socially the aftermath of that would be. It’s similar to how when you’re standing on a high place, you think about jumping off: that this very simple thing that would take two seconds and that you could easily do for no reason at all would ruin everything.
I’ve run a lot of errands this week and had a lot of strangers standing close to me explaining various things, and while they’re doing that, I’m pretty much exclusively thinking about how incredibly easy it would be for me to just very quickly lick their face and how stunned and confused their reaction would be, and how there really would be nothing either of us could do from there to get us back to normalcy, we’d be living in this new, uncharted, confusing, frightening world where I’d just licked their face out of nowhere.
I could just do that, I could unmoor everything and send us spinning into madness! I think different people would react in different ways, and I like imagining how each person would.
Many times, people have told me something very heartfelt and then later been offended to realize I wasn’t listening at all, and usually this is why — because if you’re saying something heartfelt, you are probably also sitting within face-licking range, and so I am thinking about that. I really can’t help it! It’s compulsive.
Anyway, I know everyone thinks about jumping off high things, but does everyone think about licking other people’s faces, and we just don’t talk about it much as a society? Or is this just a me thing?
(If it’s just a me thing, I’m kidding, and I have totally never thought about licking your face, and why would you even think that, weirdo.)
I need to know, please comment.