I have a confession that’s a bit too long for Twitter: whenever I’m standing close to someone, no matter who they are or what the context is, I think about licking their face and how godawful socially the aftermath of that would be. It’s similar to how when you’re standing on a high place, you think about jumping off: that this very simple thing that would take two seconds and that you could easily do for no reason at all would ruin everything.

I’ve run a lot of errands this week and had a lot of strangers standing close to me explaining various things, and while they’re doing that, I’m pretty much exclusively thinking about how incredibly easy it would be for me to just very quickly lick their face and how stunned and confused their reaction would be, and how there really would be nothing either of us could do from there to get us back to normalcy, we’d be living in this new, uncharted, confusing, frightening world where I’d just licked their face out of nowhere.

I could just do that, I could unmoor everything and send us spinning into madness! I think different people would react in different ways, and I like imagining how each person would.

Many times, people have told me something very heartfelt and then later been offended to realize I wasn’t listening at all, and usually this is why — because if you’re saying something heartfelt, you are probably also sitting within face-licking range, and so I am thinking about that. I really can’t help it! It’s compulsive.

Anyway, I know everyone thinks about jumping off high things, but does everyone think about licking other people’s faces, and we just don’t talk about it much as a society? Or is this just a me thing?

(If it’s just a me thing, I’m kidding, and I have totally never thought about licking your face, and why would you even think that, weirdo.)

I need to know, please comment.


  1. I have thought about licking someone’s face before, much as you describe, but not nearly as often as you do. And only with people I know and like. And are clean shaven. And usually only because I adore them somehow and want to eat them up.

    So I think this is a you thing, Elizabeth. Now I know to stay out of face-licking range if I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying.

    Does this only happen in real life? What about on video calls?


    1. Elizabeth says:

      Yeah, there’s no desire on my part, it’s more just a wondering what would happen and a knowledge that it would be so bad and I wouldn’t be able to take it back. But you know what, since writing this, I seem to recall that a friend used to do this to people just to kind of troll them, and now I think I stole it from her, so I’m feeling derivative.

      I hadn’t thought about it on video calls BEFORE, but now I am, because that would be so weird, too, if I just licked the screen in the middle of a call! Can you imagine??


  2. Zandy Ring says:

    Well I’m thinking about doing it NOW. But I didn’t previously.


    1. Elizabeth says:

      Then my job here is done.


  3. Jen H. says:

    I have a similar compulsion, but mine involves butt pinching.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Koke says:

    I’ve had a few awkward subway rides after reading this, thank you very much 😬

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Elizabeth says:

      Glad I could help! 😀


  5. Devid Sword says:

    Yes, I think about this all the time, maybe as often as you do. I think that it’s just one of those things that many people would enjoy and find flattering, perhaps even fostering a warm bond of love between all parties involved. I’m going to make a point of asking people from now on whether they would like a quick lick or two, and see where we can go from there.

    Thanks for this ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This paragraph has forever changed my thoughts of people standing close to me 🙊😂 Best article I’ve ever read!! 😆 It made me happy 🤷🏼‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I was drawn in by your WW article, and pulled backwards by the “face-licking” link. Okay, I have to see what this is now. It made me a follower.

    Not just because it’s hilarious (it is), but because it happened to me two Sundays ago. At a bar.

    I wasn’t offended.

    I don’t say that in order to encourage you in your impulses, but just to tell you that there must be others who have had that impulse, and you’re not alone. I know of at least one other person. And he couldn’t help himself.

    Now I have to decide whether to click “A Very Adult Day” or move back to “Discover” others.

    One more click. You’ve brought me this far. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is too funny! I guess I could say, when I am in a room full of crowded people I imagine what animal each person looks most like LOL. Silly, I know.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. winknbees says:

    Made me laugh out loud! One time I saw a man with amazing hair so I touched it… total stranger. Was shocked at myself!


  10. Al says:

    You’re definitely not alone. There’s a name for these things: the imp of the perverse: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Imp_of_the_Perverse


    1. Elizabeth says:

      Wow, I had not heard this term before and it perfectly describes so much about me! Thanks for linking it!

      Liked by 1 person

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