Edith has a little toy piano that plays a bunch of supremely irritating songs sung by a woman with a light, clear childish voice, a little bit breathy, very non-threatening. I listen to her for more of the day than I would prefer, and so I have begun to wonder about her. Here are some things I wonder:
- What is her actual profession? I assume she is a vocalist of some kind? Maybe a voiceover artist? A singing voiceover artist — is that a segment of talent?
- How did she hear of this gig? How are gigs like this advertised? Does she have an agent who brought it to her?
- What does she look like?
- How did she explain this gig to her friends and family? Was it a big deal, or the sort of thing she didn’t even bother to tell them about? When the toy came out, did she take one home and invite her friends and family around, open champagne, and hit one of the keys? Did they all applaud?
- How much does this sort of thing pay? Did she make bank on it? What is the payment structure — is it just a one-time fee, or does she get some sort of residuals? What if the company uses these same songs for other toys, or other versions of this toy?
- What did she want to do with her life, and how does this particular job stack into her career accomplishments? Was it her peak? Should it have been?
- This toy is ubiquitous — every kid has it, and it’s on all kinds of best-of lists. When it hits another best of list in, like, The Strategist or Parent magazine, does her mother text her a link with “I’m so proud!” emojis?
- Has she had the uncanny experience of dating someone with kids, and at some point, hearing her own voice trilling forth from their playroom? Does she explain to her partner that it’s her? Does it kill their attraction to her, but then they have to make up some other reason why they are breaking up? Does she suspect the real reason anyhow? Does she learn from this, and never tell anyone ever again?
- Do her own kids have this toy? Does she have to listen to herself sing these obnoxious songs eight million times a day in her own home? Has it driven her out of her mind? Do her kids know it’s her? Do they ask her to sing the songs live for them? Does she do it? Has she attempted to secretly throw out the toy piano, only for them to ask about its whereabouts, and for her partner to replace it anyway, because surely they have a garage full of them?
- Is she ok? Like, really ok? How did she get through the pandemic? What is she doing now?
If you happen to know the answers to any of these questions, don’t tell me. I don’t actually want to know; speculating about her gives me something absorbing to do with my days.