Well, loathe as I am to do so, I have to talk about sleep again. A couple of nights ago, Edith woke up at 2:30am wailing. She does this every so often, but goes back to sleep immediately after a pat. Not this night — she wailed off and on for 90 minutes, falling back asleep and then waking back up, and she didn’t calm down at all when I rubbed her back or anything. I held firm, but it was not easy. It seemed to be an anomaly.

But then last night, she woke up wailing around the same time. This time, when I stroked her back she stopped crying, which made me feel worse about it — if she just screams and there’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing I can do, but if my presence actually calms her, then withholding it makes me feel like I’m hurting her. So I gave up and took her into my bed for the first time since I sleep-trained her. I thought something must be wrong, this was such an unusual regression.

That little shit just wanted to play! As soon as I put her in bed, she cheered up and started giggling and climbing on top of me and chattering and poking me in the eyes. But the damage was already done, so I let her stay. She shoved at me and climbed on me and pulled my hair and I steadily ignored her, and I guess she fell asleep at some point, but altogether, we were up for another 90 minutes or so.

The problem now is: I caved. She knows I’m weak. She played the long game, and she won. Do I have to start all over now? Did I undo everything? Does she have the upper hand? One thing I have learned about my daughter: she’s tenacious. She absolutely does not give up, it doesn’t even tire her not to. She’s like a robot, like some terminator. You cannot outlast her, you can only distract her.

Am I never sleeping again?

I guess I find out tonight.

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