Skin Care

A couple of years ago (before I got pregnant) I became extremely obsessed with skin care. I knew it was all bullshit, but I found it very soothing to research and shop and pay way too much for little jars and bottles that I could arrange in my bathroom and apply in a certain order. It gave me a sense of control and it was an enjoyable and peaceful ritual, even though it did nothing at all to improve my skin. I spent loads and bought every hot product ever mentioned on Into the Gloss. I continued to break out like mad once a month before my period.

After I had Edith and finished breast feeding, I got myself to a dermatologist (a good one; had visited bad ones before and they did nothing) as quick as could be, and guess what? My skin was perfect in like two weeks and I haven’t broken out since. (Also, I had a real problem with picking but now I do not, and if you are a compulsive picker, you don’t need therapy — you just need a better dermatologist.)

So, I can now definitely confirm what truly works and what doesn’t when it comes to skincare.

What doesn’t: AHAs, BHAs, niacinamide, Vitamin C, azelaic acid, lactic acid, glycolic acid, clindamycin, bakuchiol, (I swear) over-the-counter retinoids, and of course any natural non-active treatments, plus all serums, toners, face mists, face masks, essences, exfoliators, etc etc etc at any price point, forever and in perpetuity, amen.

What does work: spironolactone and a prescription epiduo (which is a combined benzoyl peroxide and retinoid).

Also, obviously, you need a moisturizer. I have tried every kind under the sun, they are almost all the same, and by far the best is this drugstore body lotion. Yes, body lotion. Yes, on your face. You do not need to “work it in” or whatever; just glop a ton of it onto your face right before you go to sleep and it forms a sort of husk over your skin in the night, and when you wake up and wash it all off, your skin will be soft and plump.

And finally, sunscreen isn’t a scam — zinc oxide all the time even on cloudy days, we’ve ruined the ozone layer and are all going to die of cancer.

So, that’s it! There’s really no need for anyone to ever write anything about skin care ever again. The above is all anybody needs to know; if you disagree, you’re fooling yourself, and any experts who disagree are lying to you. I wish it were otherwise, because skin care is really fun, but it’s just expensive nonsense, and if you don’t want wrinkles, just get botox.