Over the past few years, I’ve somehow ended up tweeting more than blogging. When Twitter first became popular, I thought there was no way I’d ever be active on it, because I didn’t think I was capable of being funny in a concise format. My sense of humor has always been relentlessly (often tediously) longform. But then I quit Facebook and started tweeting anyway, and I think I’ve finally gotten to where I can sometimes be clever in brief.
Recently, I received a circular in the mail entitled “The Scout Guide: Austin, Texas.” It was printed on really nice paper, so I flipped through it briefly as I carried it and all my other mail directly to the recycling bin as usual. At first, it seemed like your usual booklet of ads for upmarket stores, but then I started noticing something odd about it.
I drove past the old apartment the other day. I looked up at the window, and half expected to see you, looking down — But of course, you were long gone from that old place, and furthermore, were in the passenger seat right next to me.
So, awhile back, I quit Facebook, on which I had been wasting lots of time, and joined Twitter, on which I have been wasting barely any time. I don’t really get Twitter – probably mostly because if there’s anything I’m not, it’s concise. But last night, I finally participated in one of the trending topics, Less Interesting Books, and so here are my contributions, formatted as though they were a McSweeney’s List:
For years now, I have been bringing up the uncanny similarities between the cast of Wings and that of Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers. This may actually be the only truly original observation I’ve ever made about popular culture, but no one is interested in it, because this particular culture isn’t really all that popular.
There is no grimmer, more exhausting and unnecessarily stressful time of year than the holidays, during which period we all perform ceaseless obligations under the guise of joyous festivity. Decorating, cooking, buying and wrapping gifts, caroling, going to cocktail parties and midnight masses…all in under one month, and all despite the fact that nearly everybody would rather hold the joy and save the trouble. Whose fault is this mess? Why do we do it? Well, everyone knows whose fault it is.
My skin is white as porcelain Between the cold sores on my chin. My hair grows thick and lustrous red, Most everywhere but on my head.
Hello! Welcome to Separate Commons, the world’s first communal living experiment designed with the introverted personality in mind (as developed during brainstorming sessions at Yaddo)!
Q: My bun Chester has a blood coming out his eyes. Is this normal? Should I call the vet? 2 replies
Let me spare you the $14 and nearly three hours of your life you might otherwise waste on this piece of shit movie, and recap it here for your convenience: Lights up on Average G.I. Joe, in a sleeping drawer from the Fifth Element set, installed in the giant room from The Matrix.