Category Archives: Humor

When May I Masturbate at Work: A Guide For Men

Several weeks ago, Jeffrey Toobin was suspended from The New Yorker for masturbating on a Zoom call with his colleagues. He thought his camera was off. This was somewhat surprising, but much more surprising was the general reaction to this: men were horrified at what they felt was a massive overreaction to a situation that anyone could find themselves in. Their position is that everyone masturbates, and it wasn’t his intention for anyone to see him, and it was unfair to punish him for an accident. Furthermore, the new work-from-home movement is blurring the boundaries between work and home, and this is very confusing to men, who no longer know when and where they can masturbate. 

I myself have been working from home for eight years now for a fully distributed company. I spend many hours a day on Zoom calls with my colleagues, and I have never once masturbated while at work. I am therefore uniquely positioned to help with these new etiquette questions. Here are some FAQs about situations you might find yourself in. I hope this is helpful: 

Continue reading “When May I Masturbate at Work: A Guide For Men”

2016 In Tweets

Over the past few years, I’ve somehow ended up tweeting more than blogging. When Twitter first became popular, I thought there was no way I’d ever be active on it, because I didn’t think I was capable of being funny in a concise format. My sense of humor has always been relentlessly (often tediously) longform.

But then I quit Facebook and started tweeting anyway, and I think I’ve finally gotten to where I can sometimes be clever in brief. Continue reading “2016 In Tweets”

The Scout Guide to Living Whitely

Recently, I received a circular in the mail entitled “The Scout Guide: Austin, Texas.” It was printed on really nice paper, so I flipped through it briefly as I carried it and all my other mail directly to the recycling bin as usual. At first, it seemed like your usual booklet of ads for upmarket stores, but then I started noticing something odd about it.

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Continue reading “The Scout Guide to Living Whitely”

Twitter

So, awhile back, I quit Facebook, on which I had been wasting lots of time, and joined Twitter, on which I have been wasting barely any time. I don’t really get Twitter – probably mostly because if there’s anything I’m not, it’s concise. But last night, I finally participated in one of the trending topics, Less Interesting Books, and so here are my contributions, formatted as though they were a McSweeney’s List:  Continue reading “Twitter”

The Curious Similarities Between the Casts of Wings and Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers

For years now, I have been bringing up the uncanny similarities between the cast of Wings and that of Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers. This may actually be the only truly original observation I’ve ever made about popular culture, but no one is interested in it, because this particular culture isn’t really all that popular. Continue reading “The Curious Similarities Between the Casts of Wings and Chip ‘N Dale: Rescue Rangers”

How to Save Time and Money During the Holiday Season

There is no grimmer, more exhausting and unnecessarily stressful time of year than the holidays, during which period we all perform ceaseless obligations under the guise of joyous festivity. Decorating, cooking, buying and wrapping gifts, caroling, going to cocktail parties and midnight masses…all in under one month, and all despite the fact that nearly everybody would rather hold the joy and save the trouble. Whose fault is this mess? Why do we do it?

Well, everyone knows whose fault it is. Continue reading “How to Save Time and Money During the Holiday Season”