I Hate Ads VI

Obviously, the big news in Olive Garden advertising lately is that one of their spots features a man saying, “I’m in the mood for something different,” to his Olive Garden server. Which is rather like moving into a gated subdivision because you want to live in a diverse community. But less frequently remarked upon is an earlier spot for the same restaurant, in which a server asks a customer, “How was that?” And he replies, “It really hit the spot.” And everyone at the table bursts into laughter, as if he’d made a joke. But “it really hit the spot” is not a joke on any level. It’s just a comment.  Continue reading “I Hate Ads VI”

Letters To the Ghost In My House

Dear Ghost,

Listen, by this point, I’ve more or less reconciled myself to your presence. I mean, it’s fine, I guess. We just have to share a space, and I can accept that. However, I have to admit, I worry…how closely do you observe normal mortal notions of privacy? I mean, do you watch me…all the time? Or do you, like, stay out of the bathroom and so forth? Continue reading “Letters To the Ghost In My House”

The Interior Monologues of Space Invaders

Excuse me, but I simply must stand in your face. Yes, I realize that the subway car is nearly empty; still, somehow seeing you leaning up against the doors like that just compels me to come and stand directly in front of you. And I also need to spread my foot across like this, so that you cannot get out without interacting with me in some way. Do you mind if I touch my feet ever so slightly to yours? Forgive me. I realize that the next stop is on the other side of the subway car. Still, I need to face you intimately. Continue reading “The Interior Monologues of Space Invaders”

Complaint Letters I Might Write If I Were a Complainer

Dear Edy’s,

Plagued with a terrible cold, I recently crept down to the corner grocery store to buy some soup, and a box of your lime fruit bars. The soup was fine; your fruit bars ruined my life. I nearly lived on your fruit bars for a couple of months in 2005, during an extended bout of anorexia, and so I am very familiar with their delicious limeiness. The first fruit bar out of this particular box was sour, and not in a lime way. Continue reading “Complaint Letters I Might Write If I Were a Complainer”

An Incestuous Improv Group Has an Overly Revealing Show

Mary: Good morning, Doctor Foster. I see we have an appendectomy today.

Bill: Ah, yes, Doctor Morris. I see we do. So good to be working with you again.

Mary: Yes, I miss working with you. You have not been around the E.R. in quite some time.

Bill: Well, can you blame me, Doctor Morris? I feel like a damn fool in this E.R.

Mary: I’m sorry about that, Doctor Foster. I never meant to make you feel like a fool. Sometimes things just happen.  Continue reading “An Incestuous Improv Group Has an Overly Revealing Show”

Welcome to Earth!

Welcome to Earth!

First of all, you will need some money.

Money is bits of paper that can be exchanged for goods and services: things that you, as a person, will need and/or want.

Where can the money be gotten? Generally, it is to be gotten in the bleakest places. Continue reading “Welcome to Earth!”

People I Am Sick of Hearing About

In last week’s New Yorker, there is a profile of the musician Nico Muhly. Muhly is apparently hip, young, ingenious and in demand. The profile goes on at length about everything from his culinary skills to his interesting childhood. Naturally, he is insanely productive and well-learned, and is constantly throwing out ideas in the jittery, hyped-up fashion common to such talents, but at the same time, he is casual and cool, a guy you could hang out with – cool enough not to think of himself as cool. Continue reading “People I Am Sick of Hearing About”

Sex In The Fifties

(Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda meet on Charlotte’s back patio for iced tea, while their children play in the yard.)

Carrie: Boy, let me tell you girls, this weather is beautiful!

Charlotte: Yes, it’s such lovely weather for March. Warm.

Samantha: But not too warm!

Miranda: Yes, just warm enough. Good for health, children, and the economy. Continue reading “Sex In The Fifties”