Category Archives: Humor

I Hate Ads IV

With the holidays and now Valentine’s Day, we’re being treated to the usual explosion of Kay’s and Jared’s ads. There is really nothing creepier than these ads, which illustrate relationships between the sexes as ventures in which the entire families of middle-aged women (who still inexplicably seem to live at home) wait with baited breath (usually in their suburban split-levels) for timid men to show up and present unattractive diamonds purchased at mall chain stores as tokens of their esteem. Continue reading “I Hate Ads IV”

Am I a Poor Listener, or Should You Just Shut Up?: A Primer for Party Conversation

If you speak to me at any length, know that I am trying, off and on, to listen to what you are saying, but understand that trying does not always lead to succeeding. If when next we meet, I have forgotten your name, your face and any and all details of our last conversation, you should not take this personally. Rather, attempt to understand what might be going on with me as you are talking. What the hell is my problem? Well, it could be a number of things:  Continue reading “Am I a Poor Listener, or Should You Just Shut Up?: A Primer for Party Conversation”

I Hate Ads III

I finished another (short) spell of working yesterday, so it is now time to park it in front of the television and bitch about stupid ads again.

First up is an ad I haven’t seen in awhile, but loved so much I just have to mention it: the Smuckers jam ad, where two little boys in some podunk town wander through an orchard. Continue reading “I Hate Ads III”

Various Nightly Conversations at My Restaurant Job That Disprove the Following Stephen Hawking Quote:

Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking. It doesn’t have to be like this. Our greatest hopes could become reality in the future. . . . All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.

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Manager: Okay, guys, we need to talk about what went wrong last night, because clearly something did, and I know you guys work hard, and I want to hear from you suggestions of what the problem is and ways we can fix it- Continue reading “Various Nightly Conversations at My Restaurant Job That Disprove the Following Stephen Hawking Quote:”

I Hate Ads II

Who were the people in the focus groups who told advertisers that they really love the word “snack?” This freaking word is being used and used and used and used, snapped out of the spokespersons’ mouths as precisely and repeatedly as possible. “Snack. Snack snack snack snack snack.” It’s driving me mad, the way Hobbes’s repetition of “smock” did Calvin. “When kids love a ‘snack,’ you know it.” “With ice-cold skim milk, it’s a healthy ‘snack’ that….” “Don’t let your ‘snacks’ define you.” “I just need a ‘snack!’ Just a healthy….” ARGH! STOP SAYING SNACK!  Continue reading “I Hate Ads II”

Proposed Renovations

You know the sort of thing I’m after, don’t you, fellow? Give me chic, give me classic, give me timeless, give me hip, give me glamorous, give me British, give me right now. I want clean lines, sweeping surfaces, trembling fountains and gilt doorjambs. I want taste, subtlety, and a Wagnerian opera in the corner. Continue reading “Proposed Renovations”