Category Archives: Rants

My friend Chris has been fighting the good fight, writing letters to various corporations to hold them accountable for their sins. Tonight, we joined forces to preach truth to Target, on behalf of rabbit owners everywhere:

Dear Target,

The name of your company is apt, as we’re certain that many dreams across these United States involve hurling sharp projectiles at your architecturally uninspired retail locations. We assure you, however, that we’re unlike such dreamers.

We are unlike such dreamers, for we can no longer dream.

Read the rest at Gunky.org.

 

On Second Thought, I Don’t Like Running. At All.

Since my senior year of high school, I’ve been a runner. This does not mean that I enjoy or take pride in running, or do it well. This means that I shove myself out the door anywhere from once every other month to six times a week and trot miserably around the neighborhood or park for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour.

I do this because if I stop doing it for more than three months, when I jog up a flight of stairs, I feel like my lungs are going to explode. Continue reading “On Second Thought, I Don’t Like Running. At All.”

No One’s Hiring Elephants Right Now

Say that you’re trying to get work as, I don’t know, an elephant. Because, while it wouldn’t be your dream job or anything – maybe you’d really like to be a tiger – you’ve actually been working as a vole for the past however many years, and elephant would be a big step up for you, and you think you’d be a really good elephant, because every time you’ve done it for free, everyone’s been really happy with you, but it’s impossible to get work as an elephant if you don’t have over 5 years of professional experience as an elephant, and it’s really frustrating and makes you feel like a total idiot. Continue reading “No One’s Hiring Elephants Right Now”

The Average-Sized Woman

Having had the opportunity to try on several pairs of jeans lately, and being reminded of how frustrating that activity usually is, I have made a definitive sketch of what most clothing designers seem to believe the dimensions of the average woman are:

Now personally, I’ve never seen a woman who looks like this, whether in real life or on the catwalks, but apparently, they are legion.

In reality, my figure looks more like this:

 

Public Displays Of Private Affairs

Listen up, New Yorkers who live in high-rise apartment buildings: just because you cannot see into the windows of surrounding buildings does not mean that you are not lit up like Christmas to people across the way. If you do exercise videos in the buff toward the back of your apartment…oh, man, can I still see you. Without even trying. In fact, it’s very hard not to see you. And I’m sure other people can see you, too, and are probably not as polite about looking away as I am. Continue reading “Public Displays Of Private Affairs”

Kaley Cuoco Is the Most Depressing Person Alive

So, I recently joined the YMCA in my neighborhood.  As it’s been over two years since I belonged to a gym and had regular access to weights, I’ve entirely forgotten my old regimen.  So, I bought a few women’s exercise-type magazines to find a couple of routines.  I usually steer clear of women’s magazines because they tend to make me both angry and depressed, and these were no exception.  Continue reading “Kaley Cuoco Is the Most Depressing Person Alive”

The Warm Weather Has Brought Them All Out

Two yards over from us, right outside my window, there’s a family with 24 children. Now that the weather’s nice, the children are let out of the house at about 9:00 a.m. and they remain outside until midnight…or even later. Now, I’m pretty outspoken about the fact that I don’t much care for children, but even if you think the little darlings are presh, you would probably agree with me that these particular children blow. I mean, they are just the worst freaking children ever. Continue reading “The Warm Weather Has Brought Them All Out”