The Time I Was a Water Girl

Tell us about a bullet you’re glad you dodged — when something awful almost happened, but didn’t. One year in junior high school, all of my friends auditioned for the track team. At the time, I was pudgy and couldn’t run a mile without tasting blood in my throat, so I was afraid to audition, because I knew I wouldn’t make it, and it would be humiliating if I was the only one of my friends who didn’t.  

An Influx of Gnomes

A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: “There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?” —, November 2008 When Pastor Scott had discovered the original gnome, he’d assumed it had been put there by a teenager and he threw it out without a second thought. But a few days later, Karen Allen knocked on the door of the rectory.

In Which I Attempt a Date

Well, dear readers, it was bound to happen eventually: I actually went on a date last week. And you’ll be happy to hear that it was on every level an absolutely insane and embarrassing failure…not because you’re rooting for my continued loneliness (though you may be, I don’t know), but because it makes for a really entertaining story. 

Brooklyn Rent Crisis: 48-Hours In the Life

(Prelude: On Tuesday, an envelope arrives under the door of apartment 1, heralding a rent increase of $300 and a year-lease to begin June 1st, and generously permitting four days for decision-making purposes.) Saturday: 7:30 am: Roommate 1 awakes. 9:00 am: Roommate 2 awakes. Rs 1 and 2 discuss the situation.  

Amazing Real-Life Adventure: Purse-Snatching in Brooklyn!

A couple nights ago, my purse was snatched by a tall, skinny kid with short dreads and fashionable jeans. At the time, I was standing on a deserted street corner at 3 a.m., fighting with a broken umbrella. I’d just had a martini the size of my head, and I was wearing headphones. Clearly, I was begging for it, but yet somehow, I was still utterly shocked that it happened.