The Scout Guide to Living Whitely

Recently, I received a circular in the mail entitled “The Scout Guide: Austin, Texas.” It was printed on really nice paper, so I flipped through it briefly as I carried it and all my other mail directly to the recycling bin as usual. At first, it seemed like your usual booklet of ads for upmarket stores, but then I started noticing something odd about it.

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Summer Reads

Well, I did it again. I waited too long. So, here’s a giant post on everything I read this whole summer! This is going to be so long that I can’t imagine anyone will read it except possibly my mother, but now that I’ve started doing this, I feel a compulsive need to blog about every single book I read (almost), so sorry!

(Also, I’m glad this one is so long because there is something buried toward the end of it that will make almost everyone I like mad at me if they see it.)

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So Long, Thomasina

My little buddy is gone. She lived with me in four states, across three apartments and two houses and six rooms. I made her two salads a day for almost seven years, and I checked in with her every single time I went in or out of any one of my living rooms, and now I’m still checking in with her every time I come in or out, and I’m still talking to her without thinking about it, and I feel like these things are deep down in my muscle memory, and so I wonder how long it will be until I stop doing that.

She had a really wonderful life for a rabbit, and I said goodbye to her at the right time, and none of that makes me feel any better at all.

She was really sort of a pain in the ass most of the time, and I wish that she was still here.

My Body Isn’t Beautiful

I haven’t posted a feminist rant here in a really long time, so PULL UP A CHAIR. I’ve been feeling really irritated about the whole self love thing lately, and it took me awhile to articulate why to myself, but I think I’ve finally figured it out.

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Possible Configurations

I’ve been busy and I’ve also been thinking about being busy, and about jobs and women and parenting and families, and I think that all of the arguing boils down to the fact that, for ordinary people with ordinary energy levels, only the following configurations are possible:

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Three Wishes

After much thought, I think I have arrived on the final set of three wishes I would make should a genie ever present me with the option:

  1. Make me independently wealthy, such that forever after I will have all the money I want to do whatever I feel like doing without ever having to work for it or worry about it.
  2. Make me a white American man who looks exactly like Jon Hamm.
  3. Give me an IQ of 160.

I’m assuming that these wishes would all be in addition to whatever I already have; and not any tricksy nonsense like I get all of that and then also, surprise, I get inoperable cancer that will claim my life in one month or some shit. I would receive these three wishes only and NO OTHER CHANGES. I’d get this clarification first, in writing, and if this wasn’t the deal, I wouldn’t make any wishes at all.

Also, note that these wishes are those that will set me up personally for the maximum success and enjoyment a person could potentially have in the world we find ourselves in today. I would not waste my wishes on a better world, as I’m not convinced this particular one we’re living in will even make it more than a hundred more years into the future. I just want to have a good time with whatever time I have, and if I had the three characteristics above, my life would be BANANAS fun.

Recent Reads

I guess if I’m going to do these, I need to do them more frequently, because this is going to be super long. Here’s all the stuff I’ve read over the past couple of months, if anyone is interested!

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