Welcome to Earth!
First of all, you will need some money.
Money is bits of paper that can be exchanged for goods and services: things that you, as a person, will need and/or want.
Where can the money be gotten? Generally, it is to be gotten in the bleakest places. Continue reading “Welcome to Earth!”
In last week’s New Yorker, there is a profile of the musician Nico Muhly. Muhly is apparently hip, young, ingenious and in demand. The profile goes on at length about everything from his culinary skills to his interesting childhood. Naturally, he is insanely productive and well-learned, and is constantly throwing out ideas in the jittery, hyped-up fashion common to such talents, but at the same time, he is casual and cool, a guy you could hang out with – cool enough not to think of himself as cool. Continue reading “People I Am Sick of Hearing About”
(Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda meet on Charlotte’s back patio for iced tea, while their children play in the yard.)
Carrie: Boy, let me tell you girls, this weather is beautiful!
Charlotte: Yes, it’s such lovely weather for March. Warm.
Samantha: But not too warm!
Miranda: Yes, just warm enough. Good for health, children, and the economy. Continue reading “Sex In The Fifties”
With the holidays and now Valentine’s Day, we’re being treated to the usual explosion of Kay’s and Jared’s ads. There is really nothing creepier than these ads, which illustrate relationships between the sexes as ventures in which the entire families of middle-aged women (who still inexplicably seem to live at home) wait with baited breath (usually in their suburban split-levels) for timid men to show up and present unattractive diamonds purchased at mall chain stores as tokens of their esteem. Continue reading “I Hate Ads IV”
If you speak to me at any length, know that I am trying, off and on, to listen to what you are saying, but understand that trying does not always lead to succeeding. If when next we meet, I have forgotten your name, your face and any and all details of our last conversation, you should not take this personally. Rather, attempt to understand what might be going on with me as you are talking. What the hell is my problem? Well, it could be a number of things: Continue reading “Am I a Poor Listener, or Should You Just Shut Up?: A Primer for Party Conversation”
A woman finds that she has turned into a Christmas ornament on a tree. Finds love with an adjacent ornament.
A woman finds that she has fallen in love with a Christmas ornament. Christmas ornament becomes real man. Continue reading “Log Lines for Possible Made-For-TV Christmas Movies”
I finished another (short) spell of working yesterday, so it is now time to park it in front of the television and bitch about stupid ads again.
First up is an ad I haven’t seen in awhile, but loved so much I just have to mention it: the Smuckers jam ad, where two little boys in some podunk town wander through an orchard. Continue reading “I Hate Ads III”
I am a data-entry clerk by day. By night, I watch a lot of television, and sometimes I go over to my friend Brian’s house and watch television there. I do not play sports, nor do I enjoy things. I have a college degree in history, but now I enter the circulation numbers of various newspapers in spreadsheet format. Continue reading “My Profile: A Data-Entry Clerk’s Foray Into Web-Based Social-Networking”
Sam always wanted to help others. Who could have guessed that today he’d be dead?
One thing about Angela – she always showed up to every event looking like a million bucks. Today, however, she looks like a corpse. Continue reading “For Halloween: Dreadful Funeral Speeches”
Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking. It doesn’t have to be like this. Our greatest hopes could become reality in the future. . . . All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.
Manager: Okay, guys, we need to talk about what went wrong last night, because clearly something did, and I know you guys work hard, and I want to hear from you suggestions of what the problem is and ways we can fix it- Continue reading “Various Nightly Conversations at My Restaurant Job That Disprove the Following Stephen Hawking Quote:”