Identification: Please identify and state the news or historical significance of the following:
1. Name the Mayor of New York City
As a (however recently arrived) local, I understand and support that the first question in this series should touch on New York City governance. Continue reading “I Take the Columbia School of Journalism’s Prospective Students Practice Test, and Realize I Am Far Too Stupid for Columbia and Possibly for Grad School in General”
At twenty-four, I was more or less washed up. I had no friends, I had no job, I had no life, and no one cared about me. It was then that I discovered LARPing.
…Actually, to be 100% accurate, I did have sort of a life. I had a couple friends, but they were more like acquaintances, and I had an aunt in Maine who loved me very much, but I rarely saw her. Continue reading “Scrupulously Factual Memoirs”
“Oh, hi. Oh, goodness, we’ve not even looked at the menu yet. Well, I know Chanteuse will have…something light. She’s got a shoot today – she’s an actress: stage, tv, film and radio. And she does print-work. Only nine years old. Amazingly talented. Have you seen the movie version of ‘Sleepover Club: Mary’s Exasperating Charge?’ No? Oh. Continue reading “An Amazingly Talented Child”
Let us go now, you and I…there’s no one fuckable at this party. Continue reading “First Drafts of Famous Poems”
Now, then, Ryan. Go to sleep my little man, and I’ll read you…what’s this? Ah yes, Aesop’s Fables. These are good – each with a moral at the end, I remember from when I was a boy. Good advice, all of them, but a bit outdated now, I think. Could probably stand to be revised a bit for today’s world. Continue reading “Aesop’s Fables”
Tried all the old favorites, but still obese? Here are some fresh, new tactics to try:
- Keep a pair of dice in the kitchen. You only get to eat when you roll double sixes.
Continue reading “Diet Tips”
No longer content with purses and ipods, minor New York thieves have been reaching new heights in snatch-and-run crimes. The disturbing new trends New Yorkers should be aware of include:
A couple nights ago, my purse was snatched by a tall, skinny kid with short dreads and fashionable jeans. At the time, I was standing on a deserted street corner at 3 a.m., fighting with a broken umbrella. I’d just had a martini the size of my head, and I was wearing headphones. Clearly, I was begging for it, but yet somehow, I was still utterly shocked that it happened. Continue reading “Amazing Real-Life Adventure: Purse-Snatching in Brooklyn!”
Alex rolled his taped-open eyes. The reeducation teacher had been fooling with the projector for half-an-hour now.
‘Sorry, guys,’ the teacher said now. ‘But I cannot get this freaking thing to work. Oh, well. I guess today we’ll just watch one of the movie downloads on my Mac. You want Grosse Point Blank or Two Towers?’ Continue reading “Substandard Dystopias”
The key thing in 30-minute dating is to make an accurate and winning first impression. Such as:
- You’re a doctor? That’s cool. I’m a doodyhead. I’M A GREAT BIG OLE DOODYHEAD!
Continue reading “Statements That I’m Pretty Sure Would Result in Hasty Termination of a 30-Minute Dating Date”