Endless Children’s Songs

Attention creepy man on the subway platform: although it appears that I am staring at you, if you simply looked around yourself a bit, rather than just creepily staring back at me, you might realize that there are a number of other things I am more likely to be staring at, such as: the hot guy behind you. Or, the cute dress worn by the hot guy behind you’s girlfriend. Continue reading “Endless Children’s Songs”

Post-Its in the Break Room

Attention:

To whomever left the chocolates in here, the treats have obviously melted and then re-congealed. They are no good.

Attention:

To whoever left the above note, I brought the chocolates in as a nice gesture. I can’t believe you would actually leave a passive-aggressive, unsigned note complaining about free chocolates. If you don’t like them, don’t eat them.

Signed, Emily.  Continue reading “Post-Its in the Break Room”

If You Can Make It Here…(That’s No Guarantee You Can Stay)

In the year 2020, New York City addresses its overcrowding by introducing the following measures:

1. New York City is now entirely public. No private property, private space, or privacy in general will be permitted on Manhattan. Some privacy may be maintained in the boroughs; this will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. If you desire any privacy, you are encouraged to move. Continue reading “If You Can Make It Here…(That’s No Guarantee You Can Stay)”

A Literary Correspondence

Dear Rick,

How are things at school? Your mom tells me you’ve decided to major in literature, and I think that’s fine. I used to be a great reader, but as I got older and had children, I just got too busy. I suppose I have plenty of time to read now, though – I don’t know why I don’t! If you read anything good, tell me. I’ll read it.

Love,
Grandma  Continue reading “A Literary Correspondence”

Ode to igoogle’s Teahouse Theme

You torture me, teahouse fox. I sit at this desk, nine-to-five, five days a week (if I’m lucky: sometimes much longer), thinking, worrying, slaving and perspiring, and all in pursuit of what? Money? Success? Respect? The ever-elusive American dream?Maybe you’ve got the right idea, teahouse fox. Living your pastoral existence. Picking oranges, doing laundry, having tea on the dock in the evenings. That’s life, right there. You don’t care about money. You don’t care about fame. You don’t even seem to need the companionship of other foxes: fireflies, geese and caterpillars seem to give you all the company you need. You taunt me with your contentment. As I am madly reviewing accounts and formatting spreadsheets, you are rowing your boat around the pond. How Thoreau-ish of you.  Continue reading “Ode to igoogle’s Teahouse Theme”