Let us go now, you and I…there’s no one fuckable at this party. Continue reading “First Drafts of Famous Poems”
Now, then, Ryan. Go to sleep my little man, and I’ll read you…what’s this? Ah yes, Aesop’s Fables. These are good – each with a moral at the end, I remember from when I was a boy. Good advice, all of them, but a bit outdated now, I think. Could probably stand to be revised a bit for today’s world. Continue reading “Aesop’s Fables”
Tried all the old favorites, but still obese? Here are some fresh, new tactics to try:
- Keep a pair of dice in the kitchen. You only get to eat when you roll double sixes.
No longer content with purses and ipods, minor New York thieves have been reaching new heights in snatch-and-run crimes. The disturbing new trends New Yorkers should be aware of include:
- Wee dogs. Any small, portable pet can fall prey to a snatching. Continue reading “Crime Wave: Shocking New Varieties of Snatchings”
A couple nights ago, my purse was snatched by a tall, skinny kid with short dreads and fashionable jeans. At the time, I was standing on a deserted street corner at 3 a.m., fighting with a broken umbrella. I’d just had a martini the size of my head, and I was wearing headphones. Clearly, I was begging for it, but yet somehow, I was still utterly shocked that it happened. Continue reading “Amazing Real-Life Adventure: Purse-Snatching in Brooklyn!”
Alex rolled his taped-open eyes. The reeducation teacher had been fooling with the projector for half-an-hour now.
‘Sorry, guys,’ the teacher said now. ‘But I cannot get this freaking thing to work. Oh, well. I guess today we’ll just watch one of the movie downloads on my Mac. You want Grosse Point Blank or Two Towers?’ Continue reading “Substandard Dystopias”
The key thing in 30-minute dating is to make an accurate and winning first impression. Such as:
- You’re a doctor? That’s cool. I’m a doodyhead. I’M A GREAT BIG OLE DOODYHEAD!
- Claire moves into the others’ suburban community so that she can finally obtain and enforce a restraining order against Charlie.
- Desmond hits on Claire. When she rebuffs him, he reminds her that he can see the future, and thus her eventual submission is a foregone conclusion. She figures, what the hell. Their super hot accents make them a hit at the others’ cocktail parties.
No more nancying about. This is the real thing, Elizabeth. This time, I’m sticking to these resolutions. I’m not going to cry, complain, whine, sleep, eat or feel. I’m going to achieve my objectives, stop standing in my own way, buck up, sack up, sit up, shut up and shape up. Continue reading “Personal Resolutions for Escaping My Current Rut”
The Low-Food Cafe is a low-cal, low-fat, low-carb, low-food cafe that features dishes for the acetic gourmet. Chef Angie Brentworth has been living and cooking with anorexia nervosa for seven years, and opened Low-Food Cafe to supply abstainers with convenient, low-food entrees at reasonable prices.* Continue reading “Low-Food Cafe”