Never answer the door. No matter how many times somebody knocks, or what they say – I don’t care if they say they have a package, or ice cream, or a check for a million dollars – do NOT under any circumstances open the door. Even if they say they are me – don’t answer the door! I don’t care if they sound precisely like me, or if, when you look through the keyhole, they look exactly like me. Perhaps they took a voice-training class and learned to emulate my voice perfectly, and then took a photo of me and photoshopped it so that it looks like I’m standing on the front stoop, and then resized it so that it would fit over the lens of the peephole, so that when you look out, it looks like me really standing there, but really it’s a photo taped to the peephole with a voiceover master standing behind it who wants to do you harm, and you open the door and suddenly, bam! They’re in the house. Continue reading “While I’m At Work, and You Are Home Alone This Summer”
Marcel Proust, Travel Writer
On Italy
I read a book about Rome once. I was a child of seven, and I was looking through my grandmother’s bookcase. Well do I remember the smell of Grandmother’s house: talcum powder and slightly moldering carpets. Grandmother had a vast collection of books about far-away and wonderful places. Rome attracted my attention because of its connotation in my mind with gladiators and emperors and columns, all strapping and assertive things. I remember the photos of the Trevi fountain, photos of busy sidewalk cafes, photos of ruins under a setting sun… Continue reading “Marcel Proust, Travel Writer”
What I’m Really Looking For In a Self-Help Book
After wasting money on any number of self-help (and/or trade) books that I skim, feel vaguely disappointed with, and put down never to pick up again, I gave some thought to what I had been expecting to find between their covers. Here’s the sort of advice I was really looking for: Continue reading “What I’m Really Looking For In a Self-Help Book”
The Inexplicably Furious Mannequins of Macy’s
That said, I have to admit, I get kind of excited about the (partially) wooden escalators on the upper floors of Macy’s: Continue reading “The Inexplicably Furious Mannequins of Macy’s”
Capitalism Has Ruined This Country
Man, you should have been in this country ten years ago. Things were different then. None of these Western-themed restaurants. No tourists. These big resort hotels weren’t here. There was no McDonald’s. Just peasants, farm land, mud huts, as far as the eye could see. God, it was beautiful. Continue reading “Capitalism Has Ruined This Country”
I’m A Sucker For Arts
Oh, don’t give me those big eyes. I know, I know, you’re just as original and innovative as you can be, aren’t you? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
I just love art, but I sponsor too much as it is. Harold has forbidden me from going to theatres and gallery openings and benefits, because he says I’m just too big a softy. But I can’t help it – I wish that I could take all the art in the world home with me. Continue reading “I’m A Sucker For Arts”
The Warm Weather Has Brought Them All Out
Two yards over from us, right outside my window, there’s a family with 24 children. Now that the weather’s nice, the children are let out of the house at about 9:00 a.m. and they remain outside until midnight…or even later. Now, I’m pretty outspoken about the fact that I don’t much care for children, but even if you think the little darlings are presh, you would probably agree with me that these particular children blow. I mean, they are just the worst freaking children ever. Continue reading “The Warm Weather Has Brought Them All Out”
Norton Recommends Some Updates
Norton AntiVirus recommends that you install several updates. Would you like to install the updates now? Continue reading “Norton Recommends Some Updates”
Stunning Feats of Bravery
Are you brave enough to take on these death-defying tasks? Are you man enough to go where no man has gone before? Are you bold enough to attempt the impossible? Take my challenge: prove your mettle by performing one or more of these terrifying stunts: Continue reading “Stunning Feats of Bravery”
Spring Wardrobe Purge
Having nothing else to do this past weekend, and feeling a little cluttered, I decided to tackle one of those back-burner projects and weed through my wardrobe. Time to toss the things I really haven’t worn in a year…or two…or five. I’m not a snazzy dresser – I’m very much a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of girl – and I’m amazed by the sorts of things that I’ll occasionally acquire, never wear, and hang onto for years. Why do I keep them? Do I secretly think they’re really awesome? In what circumstances would I ever, ever actually don such garments and leave the house? No more. Continue reading “Spring Wardrobe Purge”
Accismus 