Amazing Real-Life Adventure: Purse-Snatching in Brooklyn!

A couple nights ago, my purse was snatched by a tall, skinny kid with short dreads and fashionable jeans. At the time, I was standing on a deserted street corner at 3 a.m., fighting with a broken umbrella. I’d just had a martini the size of my head, and I was wearing headphones. Clearly, I was begging for it, but yet somehow, I was still utterly shocked that it happened. Continue reading “Amazing Real-Life Adventure: Purse-Snatching in Brooklyn!”

Substandard Dystopias

Alex rolled his taped-open eyes. The reeducation teacher had been fooling with the projector for half-an-hour now.

‘Sorry, guys,’ the teacher said now. ‘But I cannot get this freaking thing to work. Oh, well. I guess today we’ll just watch one of the movie downloads on my Mac. You want Grosse Point Blank or Two Towers?’  Continue reading “Substandard Dystopias”

Lost Spoilers

  • Claire moves into the others’ suburban community so that she can finally obtain and enforce a restraining order against Charlie.

 

  • Desmond hits on Claire. When she rebuffs him, he reminds her that he can see the future, and thus her eventual submission is a foregone conclusion. She figures, what the hell. Their super hot accents make them a hit at the others’ cocktail parties.

Continue reading “Lost Spoilers”

Low-Food Cafe

Low-Food Cafe

The Low-Food Cafe is a low-cal, low-fat, low-carb, low-food cafe that features dishes for the acetic gourmet. Chef Angie Brentworth has been living and cooking with anorexia nervosa for seven years, and opened Low-Food Cafe to supply abstainers with convenient, low-food entrees at reasonable prices.* Continue reading “Low-Food Cafe”

Autumn Wedding

It was a frosty October day when Bea told her mother of her betrothal. Ms. Holliwell was standing on the back porch, clutching her bathrobe tight around her throat, staring tragically into the North wind as though it were Yankee troops bearing down on her land that were going to kill all her sleeping babies.  Continue reading “Autumn Wedding”

A Serious Talk with the Best and Worst Versions of Myself as We Metaphorically Hike the Appalachian Trail

Seriously, guys, this can’t continue the way it’s been going.

You up there, running nearly a mile ahead of the rest of us, bounding over boulders and snapping branches back in our faces, straight through the night without cease. Well, of course there’s not enough time for sleep – we lose two hours every morning, since you insist on skimming both the Trib and the Times over your breakfast banana and fat-free yogurt, and then you have to do your precious sun salutes and strap on your ankle-weights.  Continue reading “A Serious Talk with the Best and Worst Versions of Myself as We Metaphorically Hike the Appalachian Trail”